Absence Makes the Heart Grow...

65 things we DON'T miss about sports

March 20, 2020
NFL: DEC 29 Cardinals at Rams
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You're waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. Your hands are starting to shake, and the hallucinations have set in. You've been chugging ginger ale by the gallon for the nausea. No, you don't have coronavirus. You're withdrawing from sports.

Since COVID-19 exploded on American shores, the sports world has frozen up like an old laptop, leaving fans everywhere high, dry and curled up in the fetal position. But don't despair, because A. sports will eventually be back and B. they were never that great in the first place. What's that? You already forgot? Well in that case, here's a quick reminder of all the things you're NOT missing when you're not watching sports.

The final 90 seconds of an NCAA tournament game taking 20 minutes to play

Watching Eugene from IT win the office bracket pool . . . again

“I had that in my other bracket” guy

Hot tips about the 12-5 upset

People who know the scores of Spring Training games

“Exit velo,” “launch angle,” “oppo taco”

Angel Hernandez

Houston Astros apologists

Houston Astros haters

Everything about the Houston Astros

Casual racism

Blown ACLs

Blown calls

ESPN the day after either

Skip Bayless

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FS1 as a whole

A beautiful April afternoon spent watching the RBC Heritage

Five-month tipping scandals

Patrick Reed’s sand game

Twitter freaking out every time Tiger Woods comes within 500 feet of a golf course

Holly and Dave PDA

Bad beats

Predicting lines when we could just wait and see

Twitter GMs

Antonio Brown

Rudy Gobert

Fireman Ed

Burner accounts

$15 Bud Lights

Guys saying “we” when they really mean “I”

“We Are the Champions”

Bean balls

Sports anchors butchering soccer names

Coach K sanctimony

Drake

Listening to everyone from NJ in the Golf Digest office talk about "The Hall" . . . constantly

Guys who think participation trophies are the biggest issue facing humanity

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Kyrie conspiracy theories

Frame-by-frame investigations of whether or not James Harden travelled

The term WOJBOMB

LeBron’s dad Insta

Flopping

People complaining about defense in the NBA

Michael Jordan’s jeans

Staying up for West Coast games

The race for the NBA East’s 8th seed

The Knicks

Spring football

Booth reviews

Bill Simmons taking anything that has happened in sports—nay, THE WORLD—and wondering how Bill Belichick would handle it

Boston, in general

Your podcast

College basketball officiating

NBA officiating

Just officiating

Jumbotron proposals

Mel Kiper’s sentient toupee

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Hand-size analysis

The NFL Draft hats

The guy mowing down catchers in slow-pitch softball

The guy trying to get you to join his fantasy baseball league

Talk about tanking

Talk about how to fix tanking

Little League parents

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