Mel Kiper Jr.'s NFL Draft bathroom routine is the stuff of legend
Mel Kiper Jr. is the NFL Draft GOAT, rattling off the hand-size of North Dakota State prospects like a perfectly coiffed gatling gun while simultaneously dismantling Todd McShay's manhood live on national television. The Draft simply isn't The Draft without Kiper, which is why, in the 35 years he's been covering the NFL's annual schoolyard pick 'em, he has never once left his post to take a bathroom break during the first round. That, ladies and gentleman, is the mark of a true warrior (and sociopath.)
Much has been made of NFL RedZone host Scott Hanson's iron bladder, which guided him to four consecutive seasons of bathroom-less football coverage before finally faltering in 2017, but Kiper's streak is just as impressive. On average, the first round of the draft lasts about four hours, depending on trades/how long Goodell has to wait for Jets fans to stop booing. Think about the last time you went four hours without a visit to the facilities and you'll start to understand the source of Kiper's god-like power.
His tactics, however, remain a mystery. Does he meditate it away? Does he howl like the Wolfman during commercial breaks picks 20-32? Is he a leg crosser or a squirmer? Is there perhaps an adult diaper in play? For now, the answers remain a (very welcome) mystery, just like Kiper himself—an enigma wrapped inside a riddle punching McShay in the soul for each and every a sip of water. WATER IS FOR AMATEURS, TODD.