Year in, year out since the dinosaurs croaked, the worst fashion day in sports has been whatever day the NFL unveils its dreaded draft caps. No matter how hard the NFL tries (though by the looks of things, maybe they don't), they still can't figure out how to make one of their their most important pieces of merch anything but a spectacular, flaming failure. Designed as first impressions, mission statements, and 7 5/8 embodiments of everything each franchise stands for, the draft caps should be the NFL Shop's (literal) crowning achievement. Instead, they're something only the guy who listens to the radio broadcast of the game while actually at the game could possibly get away with sans atomic wedgie.
Inevitably, this year is no different, with some of the most egregious abominations in athletic headwear history set to take the stage at JerryWorld later this month. Think we're just being dramatic? Oh that Loop, always so angry, you say? Well fine, you asked for it:
Look at this thing. LOOK AT IT. This isn't even a slogan, it's just a fact, and a terrible one at that. Also, does South Carolina even qualify as a state? But wait, don't go now, we're just getting started:
Oh come on. What sort of alt-right Spencer's Gifts did you find this self-righteous pile of sh*t in? Did you a grab a "Guns Don't Kill People, I Do" wife beater while you were at it? All of this from a franchise who has their linebackers coach doing the job of defensive coordinator without promoting him to defensive coordinator. And yet, as is always the case with the Patriots, it's not nearly as reekingly bad as its AFC East counterparts...
"Billieve" in what? That AJ McCarron can throw a five-yard slant? That Scott Norwood was an actual person and not just a witch hex placed on the entire city of Buffalo? Seriously, how bad does the NFL want to distance itself from Bills Mafia's Labbatt-brained cave trolls that they're willing to actually push this thing to market? Also, the Dolphins. Lol. Oh and don't bother getting up, we locked the door.
Of course, any asshole with a bb gun and a can of SKOAL can sit here and take pot shots at the abandoned trailer park that is the 2018 NFL Draft Hat collection. To propose an actual real-world solution is something else entirely, but thankfully we have a simple one: Next year, if there is one, just give every team a throwback cap and watch the $50 dollar bills go pouring down Roger Goodell's gullet like the Niagara. Seriously, when all is said and done and your team has selected it's next no-name, no-neck nose tackle of the future, there's no way you wouldn't rather be wearing this...
than...oh god, please don't make us look at another one of these things.