2018 NFL Draft

Your team's actual NFL Draft needs

April 25, 2018
2014 NFL Draft
Elsa

In the football world, Thursday marks the culmination of three straight months of hand-wringing, artery-collapsing prognostication, prediction, and outright guesswork. The NFL Draft is here once again, and if your team doesn't pick exactly who you want at the first possible nanosecond, obviously they're screwed and there's no use even watching come September.

But as any fan can tell you, every franchise's needs run much deeper than a single player...and no, we're not talking about the third round. We're talking about the intangible, intrinsic, inevitable forces of nature that continue to haunt your team year-in, year-out no matter what people-eating pass rusher you take in the top 10. So with that in mind, The Loop is proud present our first-annual Actual NFL Draft Needs, a long, grisly list of fixes and fixers for your dysfunctional franchise of choice. Fire up the draft board and check it out:

1.) Cleveland Browns

Projected Needs: QB, CB, OT

Actual Needs: One of those Men in Black mind-erase pens for every year since, umm, let’s see, when did Jim Brown retire?

2.) New York Giants

Projected Needs: QB, RB, OL

Actual Needs: A full-time Odell Beckham Jr. wrangler (who preferably looks like Mrs. Doubtfire).

3.) New York Jets

Projected Needs: QB, OG, WR

Actual Needs: Antidepressants and a witch doctor.

4.) Cleveland Browns

Projected Needs: On second thought, pretty much everything.

Actual Needs: You know what, screw the pen. An asteroid should do the trick.

5.) Denver Broncos

Projected Needs: CB, DE, OL

Actual Needs: John Elway to stop treating quarterbacks like side pieces.

6.) Indianapolis Colts

Projected Needs: DE, LB, OL

Actual Needs: An arm transplant for Andrew Luck.

7.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Projected Needs: RB, CB, DL

Actual Needs: Treasure, plunder, booty, parrot food.

Icon Sportswire

8.) Chicago Bears

Projected Needs: CB, OL, DE

Actual Needs: A DeLorean to go back in time to stop Aaron Rodgers’ parents from getting together at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.

9.) San Francisco 49ers

Projected Needs: DE, OG, CB

Actual Needs: Fans to fill their new $1.3 billion stadium.

10.) Oakland Raiders

Projected Needs: LB, CB, S

Actual Needs: 15 on black and another vodka soda, stat.

11.) Miami Dolphins

Projected Needs: DT, LB, QB

Actual Needs: A Jay Cutler exorcism.

12.) Buffalo Bills

Projected Needs: QB, OL, WR

Actual Needs: A case of Labatt and a couple of fresh folding tables.

13.) Washington Redskins Holy Shit We Can’t Believe They’re Still Called Thats

Projected Needs: DL, LB, CB

Actual Needs: Dan Snyder to step into an open manhole.

14.) Green Bay Packers

Projected Needs: CB, OT, WR

Actual Needs: To stop future Biff from splitting up Aaron Rodgers’ parents at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.

15.) Arizona Cardinals

Projected Needs: QB, OL, WR

Actual Needs: Larry Fitzgerald to come clean about his handicap.

16.) Baltimore Ravens

Projected Needs: WR, TE, ILB

Actual Needs: Joe Flacco to finally take his rightful place as King of the Ents.

17.) Los Angeles Chargers

Projected Needs: OT, ILB, DL

Actual Needs: A stadium, a city, a fanbase, and, oh yeah, how about a kicker?

18.) Seattle Seahawks

Projected Needs: OL, CB, DL

Actual Needs: A fresh shipment of cadavers for Russell Wilson to throw to.

19.) Dallas Cowboys

Projected Needs: WR, DT, LB

Actual Needs: A large Papa John's za for Jer-Bear, because he's getting a little hangry.

20.) Detroit Lions

Projected Needs: DE, TE, RB

Actual Needs: A Thanksgiving off would be nice.

21.) Cincinnati Bengals

Projected Needs: OL, LB, CB

Actual Needs: Not Marvin Lewis. Anyone. But. Marvin. Lewis.

22.) Buffalo Bills

Projected Needs: QB, OL, WR

Actual Needs: A new, multi-million dollar Andy Dalton Center For Kids Who Don't Read Good and Want to Learn to Do Other Things Good Too.

23.) New England Patriots

Projected Needs: CB, LB, QB

Actual Needs: For the Death Star to be fully operational by September.

24.) Carolina Panthers

Projected Needs: WR, CB, DE

Actual Needs: Cam Newton Fedora Police.

Don Juan Moore

25.) Tennessee Titans

Projected Needs: LB, WR, DL

Actual Needs: Oilers throwbacks. That is all.

26.) Atlanta Falcons

Projected Needs: DT, WR, TE

Actual Needs: Chick-Fil-A to start slinging chicken on Sundays.

27.) New Orleans Saints

Projected Needs: TE, WR, OL

Actual Needs: Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.

28.) Pittsburgh Steelers

Projected Needs: LB, WR, S

Actual Needs: More ice.

29.) Jacksonville Jaguars

Projected Needs: OT, LB, WR

Actual Needs: Blake Bortles to get bit by a radioactive spider or something.

30.) Minnesota Vikings

Projected Needs: OL, CB, S

Actual Needs: A new Assistant (to the) Gen Z Advisor.

31.) New England Patriots

Projected Needs: CB, LB, QB

Actual Needs: For maintenance to address the ventilation vulnerability in sector 853X before next month's Rebel attack.

32.) Philadelphia Eagles

Projected Needs: LB, TE, RB

Actual Needs: To temper expectations just a bit.

@amyleighp / Twitter
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