NFL Draft 2021: Your team's *actual* NFL Draft needs
Elsa
In the football world, Thursday marks the culmination of three straight months of hand-wringing, prognostication, prediction, and outright guesswork. The 2021 NFL Draft is almost here, and if your team doesn't pick exactly who you want at the first possible nanosecond, obviously they're screwed and there's no use even watching come September.
But as any fan can tell you, every franchise's needs run much deeper than a single player...and no, we're not talking about the third round. We're talking about the intangible, intrinsic, inevitable forces of nature that haunt your team year-in, year-out no matter what people-eating pass rusher you take in the top 10. So with that in mind, The Loop is proud to present our second-annual Actual NFL Draft Needs, a long list of fixes and fixers for your dysfunctional franchise of choice.
1.) Jacksonville Jaguars
Projected Needs: QB, OT, WR
Actual Needs: Trevor Lawrence. That is all.
2.) New York Jets
Projected Needs: QB, CB, DE
Actual Needs: A new quarterback to replace their new quarterback.
3.) San Francisco 49ers
Projected Needs: QB (?), DE, OL
Actual Needs: A way to get rid of Jimmy Garroppolo that doesn't involve foul play.
4.) Atlanta Falcons
Projected Needs: TE, CB, OLB
Actual Needs: Some ice for Matty.
5.) Cincinnati Bengals
Projected Needs: OL, WR, TE
Actual Needs: First-round knee cartilage for Joey B in the ligament draft.
6.) Miami Dolphins
Projected Needs: WR, DE, RB
Actual Needs: For Tua Tagvailoa to throw the ball MORE THAN SEVEN YARDS DOWNFIELD.
7.) Detroit Lions
Projected Needs: WR, CB, OT
Actual Needs: Dan Campbell to run through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man when they make their pick (this is also our Actual Need).
8.) Carolina Panthers
Projected Needs: OT, CB, TE
Actual Needs: For Sam Darnold to become a new man (no really, like somebody completely different).
9.) Denver Broncos
Projected Needs: LB, CB, QB
Actual Needs: A fake draft card for John Elway that reads "Trey Lance" so he feels like he contributed.
10.) Dallas Cowboys
Projected Needs: CB, OT, DE
Actual Needs: Is Dak's foot facing the right direction again? If not, then that.
11.) New York Giants
Projected Needs: WR, DE, CB
Actual Needs: To finally merge with Jets and spare America both of these terrible franchises.
12.) Philadelipha Eagles
Projected Needs: WR, TE, CB
Actual Needs: For the Combine to replace the Wonderlice with rock, paper, scissors.
13.) Los Angeles Chargers
Projected Needs: OT, DE, S
Actual Needs: For their social media intern to stop tweeting spoilers.
14.) Minnesota Vikings
Projected Needs: OL, DE, CB
Actual Needs: Maybe A-Rod can buy them too.
15.) New England Patriots
Projected Needs: QB, LB, WR
Actual Needs: For the 49ers to realize this is the way to get rid of Jimmy G that doesn't involve foul play.
16.) Arizona Cardinals
Projected Needs: CB, LB, OL
Actual Needs: More gratuitous Kliff Klingsbury living room shots, please.
17.) Las Vegas Raiders
Projected Needs: OT, DT, LB
Actual Needs: A new social media manager. We hear the Chargers are also looking.
18.) Miami Dolphins
Projected Needs: WR, DE, RB
Actual Needs: Another guy smoking weed out of a gas mask that they can trade to the Texans for a zillion picks in three years.
19.) Washington Football Team
Projected Needs: OT, LB, S
Actual Needs: To break ground on the Fitzmagic School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
20.) Chicago Bears
Projected Needs: QB, OT, WR
Actual Needs: For the Andy Dalton jokes to stop. Come on, guys. It's all fun and games until someone's feelings get hurt.
21. Indianapolis Colts
Projected Needs: OT, CB, WR
Actual Needs: Not a quarterback. Definitely not. Totally, definitely NOT a quarterback.
22.) Tennessee Titans
Projected Needs: CB, WR, OT
Actual Needs: Less live shots of Vrabel's son on the toilet. Once was enough thanks.
23.) New York Jets
Projected Needs: QB, CB, DE
Actual Needs: Actually less draft picks. Can't f—K them up if you don't have them!
24.) Pittsburgh Steelers
Projected Needs: LB, OL, S,
Actual Needs: Muzzles for their wide receivers.
25.) Jacksonville Jaguars
Projected Needs: QB, OT, WR
Actual Needs: Urban Meyer not to pull a Nick Saban.
26.) Cleveland Browns
Projected Needs: DE, DL, WR
Actual Needs: To stay awake. They're normally in bed with three picks in the bag by this point.
27.) Baltimore Ravens
Projected Needs: DE, OT, S
Actual Needs: Can you draft playoff wins? If so, Lamar Jackson could use one of those.
28.) New Orleans Saints
Projected Needs: CB, WR, DE
Actual Needs: One of those house-arrest anklets that goes off when Jameis Winston steps foot within a half mile of Bourbon Street.
29.) Green Bay Packers
Projected Needs: OT, WR, CB
Actual Needs: For Aaron Rodgers to spend as much time studying the playbook as the geopolitical history of the Franco-Prussian War.
30.) Buffalo Bills
Projected Needs: CB, DE, WR
Actual Needs: NOTHING THIS TEAM IS PERFECT DO NOT CHANGE A THING.
31.) Kansas City Chiefs
Projected Needs: WR, LB, OL
Actual Needs: To block someone. Literally anyone.
32.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Projected Needs: WR, DE, OL
Actual Needs: For Tom Brady to sleep off that hangover by Septemeber.