2019 NFL Draft

NFL Draft 2019: Your team's actual NFL Draft needs

April 23, 2019
2014 NFL Draft

In the football world, Thursday marks the culmination of three straight months of hand-wringing, prognostication, prediction, and outright guesswork. The 2019 NFL Draft is almost here, and if your team doesn't pick exactly who you want at the first possible nanosecond, obviously they're screwed and there's no use even watching come September.

But as any fan can tell you, every franchise's needs run much deeper than a single player...and no, we're not talking about the third round. We're talking about the intangible, intrinsic, inevitable forces of nature that haunt your team year-in, year-out no matter what people-eating pass rusher you take in the top 10. So with that in mind, The Loop is proud to present our second-annual Actual NFL Draft Needs, a long list of fixes and fixers for your dysfunctional franchise of choice. Glue on that Kiper toupee and check it out:

1.) Arizona Cardinals

Projected Needs: QB, OL, WR, TE, DE. You name it.

Actual Needs: Someone to adopt Josh Rosen. He's litter box trained and loves cuddles!

2.) San Francisco 49ers

Projected Needs: DE/DT, WR, S

Actual Needs: Jimmy G6 to try Tinder instead.

3.) New York Jets

Projected Needs: DE/DT, OL, CB

Actual Needs: A whole new brand of butt fumble.

4.) Oakland Raiders

Projected Needs: DE/DT, OL, RB

Actual Needs: A thick-skinned intern to run Antonio Brown's burner accounts.

5.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Projected Needs: Defense...literally all of it

Actual Needs: A shock collar for Jameis Winston.

6.) New York Giants

Projected Needs: QB, WR, OL

Actual Needs: A rookie quarterback for Eli Manning to learn behind.

7.) Jacksonville Jaguars

Projected Needs: OL, TE, WR

Actual Needs: To finally delete all of those old photos of Blake Bortles on Facebook.

8.) Detroit Lions

Projected Needs: DE/DT, WR, TE

Actual Needs: A fleet of new standing desks for the Patricia Posture Regime.

9.) Buffalo Bills

Projected Needs: DE/DT, WR, OL

Actual Needs: The Bills Mafia Halftime Show, presented by Labatt Blue.

10.) Denver Broncos

Projected Needs: QB, CB, WR

Actual Needs: Uncle Flacco to actually throw a football over those mountains.

11.) Cincinnati Bengals

Projected Needs: LB, S, OL

Actual Needs: A faster puke response unit.

12.) Green Bay Packers

Projected Needs: OL, WR, TE

Actual Needs: For Aaron Rodgers to put down the match and step away from the bridge.

13.) Miami Dolphins

Projected Needs: QB, OL, DE

Actual Needs: Summer courses at The FitzMagic School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.

14.) Atlanta Falcons

Projected Needs: OL, DE/DT, CB

Actual Needs: A Natty Ice for every Matty Ice int.

15.) Washington Redacteds

Projected Needs: QB, OL, WR

Actual Needs: A milk intervention for Colt McCoy.

16.) Carolina Panthers

Projected Needs: OL, WR, TE

Actual Needs: Cam Newton to become master of his domain.

17.) New York Giants (from Cleveland Browns)

Projected Needs: QB, WR, OL

Actual Needs: Free trade-in on Odell Beckham Jr. jerseys.

18.) Minnesota Vikings

Projected Needs: OL, RB, WR

Actual Needs: All Kirk Cousins van, all the time!

19.) Tennessee Titans

Projected Needs: TE, WR, DT

Actual Needs: Marcus Mariota to stop getting Thanos'd.

20.) Pittsburgh Steelers

Projected Needs: WR, CB, LB

Actual Needs: A hostage negotiator.

21.) Seattle Seahawks

Projected Needs: S, DE/DT, CB

Actual Needs: 10 other warm-ish bodies to play offense.

22.) Baltimore Ravens

Projected Needs: DE/DT, LB, WR

Actual Needs: Um, a running back who can throw?

23.) Houston Texans

Projected Needs: OL, WR, CB

Actual Needs: For J.J. Watt to please keep the shorts on.

24.) Oakland Raiders (from Chicago Bears)

Projected Needs: DE/DT, OL, RB

Actual Needs: An actual black hole to swallow the Davis family and spit them into deep space.

25.) Philadelphia Eagles

Projected Needs: RB, LB, OL

Actual Needs: A fresh shipment of Duracells for Santa Claus.

26.) Indianapolis Colts

Projected Needs: WR, CB, DT

Actual Needs: A Kindle for Andrew Luck.

27.) Oakland Raiders (via Dallas)

Projected Needs: DE/DT, OL, RB

Actual Needs: This is their third first-round pick. Hopefully nothing at this point.

28.) Los Angeles Chargers

Projected Needs: DT, CB, LB

Actual Needs: A 50,000-square-foot daycare facility for the Rivers family.

29.) Kansas City Chiefs

Projected Needs: DE/DT, RB, CB

Actual Needs: More. Ketchup.

30.) Green Bay Packers (via New Orleans)

Projected Needs: OL, WR, TE

Actual Needs: A satisfying conclusion to MassageGate.

31.) Los Angeles Rams

Projected Needs: DT, RB, OL

Actual Needs: A time machine for Sean McVay so he can become the NFL's first five-year-old coach. Incredible!

32.) New England Patriots

Projected Needs: TE, WR, OL

Actual Needs: Also a satisfying conclusion to MassageGate.