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The Loop
April 21, 2020

NFL Draft 2020: Your team's *actual* NFL Draft needs

2014 NFL Draft


In the football world, Thursday marks the culmination of three straight months of hand-wringing, prognostication, prediction, and outright guesswork. The 2020 NFL Draft is almost here, and if your team doesn't pick exactly who you want at the first possible nanosecond, obviously they're screwed and there's no use even watching come September.

But as any fan can tell you, every franchise's needs run much deeper than a single player...and no, we're not talking about the third round. We're talking about the intangible, intrinsic, inevitable forces of nature that haunt your team year-in, year-out no matter what people-eating pass rusher you take in the top 10. So with that in mind, The Loop is proud to present our second-annual Actual NFL Draft Needs, a long list of fixes and fixers for your dysfunctional franchise of choice.

1.) Cincinnati Bengals

Projected Needs: QB, OL, LB

Actual Needs: Nerf balls for Joe Burrow’s tiny Trump hands.

2.) Washington Redskins

Projected Needs: OL, TE, WR

Actual Needs: An owner who knows that Thanksgiving isn’t in January.

3.) Detroit Lions

Projected Needs: CB, DL, OL

Actual Needs: Matt Patricia to realize his true calling as a verbally abusive middle school PE teacher.

4.) New York Giants

Projected Needs: OT, DE, S

Actual Needs: Dave Gettleman to stop sniffing the prospects before the lawyers get involved.

5.) Miami Dolphins

Projected Needs: QB, OL, RB

Actual Needs: To accept that no matter how hard you tank, you’ll never beat the Bengals.

6.) Los Angeles Chargers

Projected Needs: QB, LB, OT

Actual Needs: For Tyrod Taylor to fall into a vat of radioactive waste and become Madden 04 Mike Vick for a season.

7.) Carolina Panthers

Projected Needs: DL, CB, DE

Actual Needs: A basic fiscal understanding that paying a running back Jeff Bezos money is franchise suicide.

8.) Arizona Cardinals

Projected Needs: OL, DL, DE

Actual Needs: A gift basket for Bill O’Brien. He likes pears.

9.) Jacksonville Jaguars

Projected Needs: CB, DL, DE

Actual Needs: How about not this?

10.) Cleveland Browns

Projected Needs: OT, S, LB

Actual Needs: An exorcism? A witch doctor? A second move to Baltimore? Nothing should be off the table at this point.

11.) New York Jets

Projected Needs: WR, DE, OT


12.) Las Vegas Raiders

Projected Needs: WR, CB, DL

Actual Needs: 10 rolls of quarters and a fresh pack of Pall Malls.

13.) San Francisco 49ers (via Colts)

Projected Needs: WR, OL, DL

Actual Needs: A freelance playcaller specifically for the fourth quarter of Super Bowls.

14.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Projected Needs: OT, RB, DL

Actual Needs: Gronk. Dear God, we don’t ask you for much . . .

15.) Denver Broncos

Projected Needs: WR, OL, CB

Actual Needs: Someone to cut John Elway’s ethernet cable before he can draft Jordan Love.

16.) Atlanta Falcons

Projected Needs: DB, LB, DE

Actual Needs: A uniform change from their uniform change.

17.) Dallas Cowboys

Projected Needs: DE, CB, OL

Actual Needs: Dak and Zeke to press pause on the pandemic potlucks for awhile.

18.) Miami Dolphins (via Steelers)

Projected Needs: QB, OL, RB

Actual Needs: A quality pet detective if you know anyone.

19.) Las Vegas Raiders (via Bears)

Projected Needs: WR, CB, DL

Actual Needs: 52 grinders, hold the pickles.

20.) Jacksonville Jaguars (via Rams)

Projected Needs: CB, DL, DE

Actual Needs: Quarterback competition for the guy who won last year’s quarterback competition.

21. Philadelphia Eagles

Projected Needs: WR, OL, LB

Actual Needs: Some sort of bubble boy setup for Carson Wentz.

22.) Minnesota Vikings (via Bills)

Projected Needs: CB, WR, DE

Actual Needs: Not Odell. ANYONE but Odell.

23.) New England Patriots

Projected Needs: QB, TE, LB

Actual Needs: Jameis Winston. This might be more of a human need than a football one.

24.) New Orleans Saints

Projected Needs: LB, OL, S,

Actual Needs: To consider the very real possibility that Taysom Hill is the Peyton Hillis of dual-threat quarterbacks.

25.) Minnesota Vikings

Projected Needs: CB, WR, DE

Actual Needs: Screw it, Odell.

26.) Miami Dolphins (via Texans)

Projected Needs: QB, OL, RB

Actual Needs: How many Dolphins jokes do you expect us to have, sheesh.

27.) Seattle Seahawks

Projected Needs: DE, DL, OL

Actual Needs: Are we still doing the whole “hand it off on the two yard line” thing?

28.) Baltimore Ravens

Projected Needs: LB, OL, WR

Actual Needs: A quarterback who can go toe-to-toe with Ryan Tannehill.

29.) Tennessee Titans

Projected Needs: DE, DL, OL

Actual Needs: For Ryan Tannehill to keep working on his handoffs.

30.) Green Bay Packers

Projected Needs: TE, WR, OL

Actual Needs: A full-time ass-kisser for Aaron Rodgers. Prior experience encouraged. Microsoft Excel skills a plus.

31. San Francisco 49ers

Projected Needs: WR, OL, DL

Actual Needs: Does anybody have Erin Andrews' number? Asking for a friend.

32.) Kansas City Chiefs

Projected Needs: CB, LB, RB

Actual Needs: A freezer full of victory cheeseburgers for the stretch run.