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Ranking the 2020 NFL Draft hats from worst to, um, less worse

March 31, 2020

Brothers and sisters of football, welcome to NFL Draft Hat Day! A day of mourning across the fashion world, NFL Draft Hat Day is one of celebration here at The Loop's cynicism HQ. Not only do we get to fire up the reactors, stoke the bunsen burners, and start brewing some hot, hot takes, but we also get to talk about the NFL Draft, AKA the only sports event still happening on mother earth at the moment. So sit back, relax, and cover up that bald spot with our ranking of the worst (and less worst) draft hats of 2020.

Ed. Note: The Buccaneers, Falcons, and Raiders have yet to reveal their 2020 Draft Hats. We await their unveiling with bated breath.

29. Los Angeles Rams

We’ve covered this one ad nauseam. Butt. Total butt.

28. New York Giants

Did Eli Manning design this?

27. Cleveland Browns

Well, at least Myles Garret can’t knock you out with it.

26. Green Bay Packers

Aaron Rodgers would rather visit his parents for Thanksgiving than wear this expired cheese fart.

25. New York Jets

Also the official "Jersey Funeral Hat" of 2020.

24. Pittsburgh Steelers

See the Packers, only with Big Ben’s water-balloon-full-of-rancid milk face beneath the brim.

23. Jacksonville Jaguars

Replace this with Gardner Minshew's face and it jumps 10 spots. What's next? Fans? Respect? Legitimacy?

22. Kansas City Chiefs

The perfect look for falling out of a tree and breaking your back at your first and definitely last Super Bowl parade!

21. Denver Broncos

Altitude sickness? Hoo boy, do we have the barf bag for you.

20. Houston Texans

Like staring into Bill O’Brien’s soul.

19. Indianapolis Colts

18. Buffalo Bills

More black and blue. This is the theme of the year. An idiot came up with it.

17. Washington Redskins

Racist and ugly. Unlike Dwayne Haskins, that’s a hell of a dual threat.

16. New England Patriots

We are all Patriots . . . except for Tom Brady, who is now a Buccaneer. Suck it, Boston. Just suck it.

15. Carolina Panthers

Is it just me or does the Panther look like Ron Rivera's tortured face pushing against the interdimensional barrier between hell and earth screaming forever in agony? Hello? Anyone?

14. Baltimore Ravens

Right around here, you’d expect these to start getting good, but nope. Also, Charm City? Has anyone actually been to Baltimore?

13. Cincinnati Bengals

The B also stands for “Burrow.” Tua to the Bengals now a f—king lock.

12. Detroit Lions

11. Miami Dolphins

Does some Miami coke dealer/public attorney own the rights to “Fins Up” or something? Jesus Goodell, cut a deal already.

10. Philadelphia Eagles

Assuming you can keep Carson "Keep Honking, I'm Reloading" Wentz from blasting this with a shotgun and mounting it on his wall, not bad.

9. Minnesota Vikings

Did you know that when the vikings first made North American landfall in 1000 AD, they never ventured farther inland than Newfoundland? Neither does Minnesota. Just go with it.

8. Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys have finally embraced their true identity as America’s Emperor Palpatine’s Team.

7. Seattle Seahawks

The perfect hat for the Russell Wilson F—ks era.

6. Chicago Bears

Idk, there was nowhere else to put it.

5. Tennessee Titans

Nice hat. Good team. If Ryan Tannehill wins a Super Bowl in Nashville, I’m going to walk off the GW.

4. New Orleans Saints

Classic, old-school, aging, on the verge of plunging straight to the top of the draft board.

3. San Francisco 49ers

On second thought, this sucks. Why did I put this here? Also how Kyle Shanahan felt watching Jimmy Garoppolo in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl.

2. Arizona Cardinals

It’s all coming up Kingsbury.

1. Los Angeles Chargers

If only they had actual fans to wear it.