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The Name Game

The 2022 College Football All-Name Team is here and it is glorious

August 12, 2022

There’s just something about college football that attracts the wildest named young men in America. Sure, there's no shortage of John Smiths, but for every Joe Schmo there’s a Steele Fortress waiting in the wings, ready for his 15 minutes of Twitter fame before drifting back into FCS irrelevance. This is big part of what makes college football the most truly American football, and today we celebrate that proud tradition with the 2022 College Football All-Name Team—a full roster of the best active player names in the nation assembled for your enjoyment. Feast your eyes, famished football fans.

Some of these we’ve covered before. The likes of De'Coldest Crawford, Buck Coors, and Kool-Aid McKinstry have all graced these hallowed digital pages in the past, but many of these players are new to us and bound for similar infamy. A tight end named Jaeger Bull? Check. A linebacker named Hot Rod? Double check. A running back named Tank, a defensive lineman named Demon, and a QB named General Booty? Triple 100 million check. That gang’s all here—including defensive back Storm Duck—and they are ready to kick ass and, um, take names.

That only real lament is that Brent Musburger isn’t still calling games in this, the great College Football All-Name Team era. Can you imagine Musburger—a member of the pretty-good-name club himself—purring out “Shitta Sillah” and “Tiger Shanks” on a Saturday night under the lights with 50,000 drunk college kids howling at the moon? Can you imagine him having to say "Boobie Knight" five times a game without getting a little carried away? It’s the stuff dreams are made of … well, our dreams at least. What can we say, we’re a little weird.