A Festivus For the Rest of Us

The Loop's 2018 Golf Festivus

December 19, 2018

If you can remember a crazier year in golf, you’re probably a hell of a lot older than I am. Patrick Reed captured both the green jacket and the purple asshat. Bryson became our country’s last believer in science. Tiger finally won again . . . only to lose a $9 million dollar PPV face-off with Phil Mickelson in Las Vegas a month later. If you read 1984 and found yourself wondering what golf would look like in its bleak, post-everything dystopia, well, now you know.

So in that spirit, we are reviving last year's non-award winning Sports Festivus like Frank Costanza in the steamy storefront of H&H Bagel—only this time with 500% more large men hitting tiny balls with sticks. From cheaters and tweeters to big hitters and minuscule misses, this is your home for the weirdest (and worst) moments in golf, because when it comes to Festivus, there is but one tradition:

Gathering your friends and family around to tell them ALL THE WAYS THEY HAVE DISAPPOINTED YOU IN THE LAST YEAR.

Master of Ceremonies

Patrick Reedburner of bridges, bitcoin enthusiast, and Masters Champion. God be with you, chatty guests and seekers of merriment.

Honorable Mention: Mike Davis is on speed dial in case Pat doesn’t like the seating chart or something.

Airing of Grievances

Golf Cop Joel Dahmen arguing with Sung Kang (and PGA rules officials) for 25 MINUTES about Kang’s ball not crossing a lateral hazard during the final round of the Quicken Loans National and then taking the fight to the Twitter mat post-round, raising questions about the quality of Kang’s drop in addition to its veracity. Congratulations Joel, you carry the true spirit of Festivus in your heart.

Honorable Mention: Inertia vs. Phil—a winner-take-all showdown with 9 million furious tweets on the line!

Feats of Strength

Cam Champ cranking one so hard that he cracked his driver 20 minutes before teeing off with a four-shot lead in the final round of his first-ever PGA Tour title. Somewhere Thor just blushed.

Honorable Mention: Mr. Feats of Strength himself, Dustin Johnson, nearly acing a par f.o.u.r.

Festivus Miracle

I mean, come on.

Honorable Mention: The Exorcism of Charles Barkley

A Donation Has Been Made In Your Name to the Human Fund

Kevin Dougherty, who missed securing his Tour Card by this much back in August . . .

Kevin, take heart in knowing that you're not the first sucker to have his soul publicly ripped out on this giant, spinning microwave in the sky.

MORE FROM THE LOOP
It Hurts Because It's True

These are the golf-specific insults worth taking to HR

20 hours ago
Not-So-Happy Hour

5 new bourbons to drown your football sorrows with

September 19, 2019