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Collateral Damage

Weekend hack forced to play U.S. Open qualifier as punishment for losing fantasy football league, punishes everyone else instead

May 10, 2022

We’ve seen some hectic fantasy football punishments over the years. From divorce-worthy tattoos, to faux fitness Instagrams, to spending 24 straight hours in a Waffle House, the cost for sucking at imaginary football is high. But nowhere, at no time, have we seen something as cruel and unusual as what went down on Monday, when a random hack was forced to play a U.S. Open local qualifier as punishment for losing a fantasy football bet.

Needless to say, this was excruciating for everyone involved. Obviously for the poor sap who had no business being out there—he didn’t even show up to the right tee box for christ’s sake—but also his playing partners and caddie, who suffered by proxy as their third clanked and clunked his way to a 112. Most fantasy football punishments are victimless but for the victim, but this one had unintended serious collateral damage.

So let this be a lesson to us all: If you’re going to wager silly things on a silly game, do not do so at the expense of someone else’s silly game that may or may not also have silly things wagered on it. If your wide receiver corps goes down, your waiver order is always one slot away, and your kicker stream dries up like the Sahara, that’s between you and your god. And if you’re not the praying type, at the very least leave the U.S. Open out of it.