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The Loop

Storming Area 51 isn't a good idea says Mike Leach, guy who might actually be an alien

September 03, 2019
COLLEGE FOOTBALL: DEC 28 Alamo Bowl - Iowa State v Washington State

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If you had Mike Leach pegged as a big Area 51 guy, you'd be right. The golf-agnostic, raccoon-hunting, belly-flop extraordinaire has gone on record in the past about his fascination with Bigfoot, and now—less than three weeks before the proposed storming of Area 51 by asthmatics across the internet—the Washington State ball coach has sounded off on the America's most infamous bunker as only he can. Drop that X-Files music, DJ.

Moments before being baited into more wackadoodle soundbites for websites like ours to drool all over, Leach's interest level was a cool 2.5.

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After hearing the words "Area 51" uttered, however, Leach's attention ratchets to a solid 8.0, staring rapt as the reporter asks him his thoughts on the day-to-day activities at the ol' five-one.

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"I think that they test things there," Leach replied, as if he had been waiting for someone to ask him this question for decades. "I think stuff that the military and the government is developing, I would imagine they test it there. Work with the prototypes and things like that there. If they have found space men, or any Roswell stuff, that'd probably be where they would store it, if there is such things. But I think it's pretty much a test site where they test and develop everything from aircraft to bombs to some type of technology because there's got to be a place to do that. I suspect that if they didn't cryptically call it Area 51 and it didn't have the eager, cold, no-one-allowed quality that it has, it probably wouldn't be quite as exciting as it is. And of course, you throw aliens on top of that and the curiosity goes wild."

Indeed it does, coach. And what of this proposed siege? A good idea?

"No, I don't think that would be a good idea because then they just might test out the stuff they’re testing on you to ensure that you don't get in there. Our government lately has shown some resistance to enforcing laws around this country to the detriment of its citizens. I suspect those wouldn't be laws that they chose not to enforce."

What laws Leach would like to see better enforced via futuristic laser cannons remained a mystery, however, because Leach then turned his attention to Burning Man, which he is unsurprisingly an even bigger fan of than Area 51.

"Well they oughta have Burning Man instead, just an extra Burning Man or a concert or something," Leach said. "Because sitting there trying to go through barbed-wire fence while there's a bunch of aircraft over the top of you or whatever, I mean, I don't think that'd be quite as much fun as some of the alternatives that you could have."

True enough. Plus, the less everyone knows about your true identity, the better, right coach?