Hawk, Houston's electric kicking tee retriever, won the college football weekend

November 22, 2021

Last week, our college football weekend MVP Jared Casey won hearts over with his heroic game-winning catch to beat the Texas Longhorns. Within a few days, he was starring in an Applebee's commercial, proof that everybody on a college football roster—even a walk-on fullback—is one play or one big social media moment away from making a quick buck thanks to the new NIL rules.

We're about to find out if those rules apply to equipment managers, too. Or, more specifically, kicking tee retrieval guys like Big Hawk from Houston. Here's Hawk chasing down an immobile tee during Houston's 31-13 romp of Memphis Friday night: 

The shirt, the mullet, the full-speed sprint, the dive and roll, the tumble back toward the sideline, the staredown. It's all there. A perfect storm of social media virality. Would anyone be surprised if Big Hawk was starring in a commercial for a local car dealership by week's end?

Apparently, Hawk's kicking tee retrieval act was paying homage to legendary kicking tee retrieval guy Bill "Mojo" Lackey, who was grabbing kicking tees and spiking them on the sideline while Big Hawk was but a twinkle in his father's eye:

Legends emulating legends. You love to see it. Somebody in Houston get Hawk on a billboard, pronto. 

Helmet Stickers

(In this section, we'll dole out helmet stickers for those who *almost* won the weekend.)

Five Helmet Stickers: Jordan Davis

For the second straight week, we're giving out a five spot to a Big Fella for scoring a touchdown. There may not be a bigger fella in the country than Jordan Davis, who continues to wreak absolute havoc on this college football season:

As you can hear, the Davis TD was a popular one at Sanford Stadium. A well-earned TD for the senior on Senior Day. Not long after the score, his legend continued to grow on social media:

The man is an absolute terror, which made him directing the band following Georgia 56-7 victory over Charleston Southern that much funnier of an image:

What a way to go out in Athens. All that's left now for Davis to achieve UGA immortality is a national title. It's Georgia's year. Tell 'em, Kirby.

Four Helmet Stickers: Joey Chestnut

Wait, the hot dog eating guy? Damn right. Chestnut was on hand for Coastal Carolina's 35-21 win over Texas State, which the team celebrated by having a pizza-eating contest against Chestnut, naturally. 

Least surprising news ever - Chestnut won:

A man amongst boys. 

Three Helmet Stickers: Abule Abadi-Fitzgerald

ESPN pulled out some of their best NFL Draft/sad facts material for this graphic:

We went from 0 to 100 real quick there. Here's hoping Abule gets to see his mom again soon. 

Two Helmet Stickers: Dorian Thompson-Robinson

How 'bout them UCLA Bruins? After a tough two-game stretch with a close loss to Oregon and a blowout loss at Utah, the fightin' Chip Kellys have rebounded with back-to-back wins, including Saturday's 62-33 bloodbath over rival USC. Hell of a way for senior quarterback Dorian Thompson-Robinson to cap off the rivalry. That man had himself a game, with 349 passing yards and four touchdowns, PLUS two more rushing tuddies, including this one:

SHEEEEESH. If that hurdle wasn't disrespectful enough, DTR got himself an unsportsmanlike conudct penalty for going full Terrell Owens and signing a fan's hat after scoring his other rushing TD:

Think of the poor children that may be watching and .... enjoying this moment. For shame. 

One Helmet Sticker: Fearless Champion

Where else do we celebrate animals retiring like college football does? Nowhere. Pour one out for Fearless Champion. What a career. 

-1000 Helmet Stickers: Dan Mullen

From hanging with Alabama in the SEC Chamoionship game to FIRED in less than 12 months. Things escalated very quickly for Dan Mullen in Gainesville. As many pointed out, Mullen was doomed the moment former Gators corner Marco Wilson threw that shoe against LSU last year:

For those who don't recall, the Gators were a three-to-four touchdown favorite for this LSU game at home a year ago, and they lost outright, 37-34. Seven days later, they took Alabama to the wire in Atlanta, ultimately losing 52-46. Then they got their doors blown off by Oklahoma in the Cotton Bowl, and have now fallen to 5-6 on the season following their OT loss at Missouri, putting them in danger of missing a bowl game should they lose to a suddenly spunky Florida State team. Fortunately for Mullen, he won't be around for that potential debacle. Making matters worse was the fact he got trolled into another dimension by Mizzou head coach Eli Drinkwitz:

If you're lost on what this means, Mullen likes to dress like Darth Vader to press conference on occasion, usually around Halloween. That means a 5-5 Mizzou squad had this victory celebration/troll job planned out before actually beating Florida, which took a two-point conversion in overtime. If that's not an indictment on the Mullen era at UF, we're not sure what is.