Defining characteristics: Knows exactly how to fix your swing even though you didn't ask. Employs a vast array of swing jargon that only confuses you further.Favorite expression: "Wait, try this!"
The Human Rain Delay
Defining characteristics: Thinks he is honoring spirit of the game by never picking up. Not in the spirit of the game: dragging his foursome through a three-and-a-half hour front nine.Favorite expression: "Put me down for a 10."
Cell Phone Guy
Defining characteristics: Considers golf course an extension of his office, home, therapist's couch, etc. Has perfected the balancing-phone-on-the-shoulder wedge shot.Favorite expression: "You guys hit. I gotta take this."
The Cart Girl Schmoozer
Defining characteristics: Convinced he's got a shot with the cart girl. Would be crushed to learn she offered the same flirty laugh and bag of nuts to foursome of geeks up ahead.Favorite expression: "We'll take four beers and one more smile, darlin'."
Parking Lot Guy
Defining characteristics: Color-coordinated outfit, matching logos and oversized tour bag suggest he's played professionally. Topped drive off the first tee suggests otherwise.Favorite expression: "These are the same shoes Tiger wears. "
The Air Counter
Defining characteristics: Can't remember his score without reliving every shot in detail.Favorite expression: "One in the pond, two drop, three back in the pond. Four I had that funky lie in the bunker and left it in the bunker ... "
The Frat Boy
Defining characteristics: Unable to fathom a round of golf without a steady stream of adult beverages. Idea of restraint is to hold off drinking ... until the second hole.Favorite expression: "A few beers will loosen up that swing!"
Defining characteristics: The easiest golfer to locate on the course thanks to waft of smoke trailing behind him. Oblivious to playing partners struggling for air -- and the ash droppings on his belly.Favorite expression: "Straight from Havana, baby!"
Defining characteristics: The 15 handicap who is somehow playing "much better" than he has in years. Feigns apology when he drops bunker shot within inches of cup, then kicks sand off his shoes like a tour pro.Favorite expression: "I guess it's just one of those days..."
Ball Retriever Guy
Defining characteristics: Never passes a water hazard without his trusty scoop at the ready. Last bought a new sleeve of balls in the late 80s.Favorite expression: "Whoa! A ProV1!"
Defining characteristics: So preoccupied with his own game never looks for anyone else's ball. When driving a cart, always blows past your ball and heads directly to his.Favorite expression: "But enough about me. What do YOU think of my swing?"
Defining characteristics: Has unique ability to allow even the most pleasant days to be soured by any bad swing, bounce, or lie. Relies on Ball Retriever Guy to occasionally fetch clubs out of lake.Favorite expression: "[Not printable]"
Defining characteristics: Forces group to wait on every par 5 because he's convinced he can get home in two. Usually gets there in four.Favorite expression: "If I really catch it, I can get there."
Defining characteristics: Liberally allows himself another whack even when first shot is findable.Favorite expression: "Wait, wait, wait. I gotta try another."
The Plumb Bobber
Defining characteristics: The only guy in the group not to notice the foursome behind yelling from the fairway as he lines up his putt for double from every angle imaginable.Favorite expression: "Son of a gun, I actually think it goes both ways!"
Yardage Book Guy
Defining characteristics: Has to walk off every blade of grass before hitting. After contemplating whether a shot is 176 yards or 178, ends up hitting it 150.Favorite expression: "I can't decide if it's a hard 7 or a soft 6."
Defining characteristics: A sympathetic figure when he pushes his tee shot deep into the woods. Not as sympathetic: When he announces his ball somehow stayed in bounds -- with a clear shot to the green!Favorite expression:"Better to be lucky than good!
Defining characteristics: Treats every holed three footer as if just won the Masters. Has sent multiple playing partners home early thanks to overzealous chest bumping.Favorite expression: "Yes SIR!"
Defining characteristics: The absent-minded member of your group who leaves an assortment of wedges, towels, and clubhead covers scattered throughout the course. Favorite expression: "Doggone it, where did I leave my 56?"
The Christopher Columbus
Defining characteristics: Doggedly searches for lost balls as if they're encrusted in diamonds. Thinks the rest of the group cares as much as him. Favorite expression: "I saw it hooking by the far tree, so if we all just walk slowly on this line. . ."
The Just-Had-A-Lesson Guy
Defining characteristics: Always in the midst of a swing overhaul, is awash in new thoughts after a half hour with the assistant pro. Favorite expression: "Bear with me guys. Randy has me working on a few new things."
The Clueless Dad
Defining characteristics: Wants to introduce his young son to the joys of golf, even if it means six hours of misery for everyone else. Favorite expression: "I hope you don't mind. Justin here is new to the game."
The Vanity Handicapper
Defining characteristics: Self-proclaimed "12" who has trouble breaking 100. Favorite expression: "I don't know WHAT's going on with my swing!"
The Cart Daredevil
Defining characteristics: Reverts to his inner 13-year-old as soon as he gets behind the wheel of a cart. Has never met a "Cart Path Only" sign that pertains to him. Favorite expression: "Man, if only this thing didn't have a governor!"
Defining characteristics: Shamelessly gives himself any putt within earshot of the cup, regardless of what's on the line. Favorite expression: "I'll just get this out of the way. . ."
The Ansel Adams
Defining characteristics: Incapable of letting a moment pass without trying to capture the perfect photo, whether it's of a person, hole, or squirrel. Favorite expression: "Hold on guys, let's get one here with the ball washer in the background."
Defining characteristics: Overly reliant on his yardage device, to the extent that he can't fathom anyone navigating a course without it. Favorite expression: "Wait! I'll give you the exact number."
Defining characteristics: Even on the most beautiful days, a series of bad swings causes him to withdraw into his own cloud of misery. Will go holes on end without communicating with the rest of the group. Favorite expression: "(Inaudible mumbling to self)."
Defining characteristics: Combination of long-sleeve shirt, bucket hat and 90 SPF makes you feel your own sun protection efforts are woefully insufficient. Favorite expression: "Do me a solid -- can you get the back of my legs?"
Overactive Bladder Guy
Defining characteristics: Only catches fragments of conversations because he's endlessly B lining into woods. Favorite expression: "Wow, guess I had too much iced tea!"
The Distracted Boyfriend
Defining characteristics: Usually in the early stages of a relationship, thinks she actually cares that he's hit three straight fairways. Favorite expression: "You are such a natural. Are you SURE this is your first time?"
The Color Commentator
Defining characteristics: Has perfected the art of the Roger Maltbie audible whisper. Likes to narrate your three-footer for double as if the Ryder Cup is at stake. Favorite expression: "There's really not a lot to this putt, Johnny, but he's got to make sure he gets it to the hole."
Defining characteristics: Only slumming at your course because "they're punching the greens at the club." Unfamiliar with the concept of changing shoes in the parking lot. Favorite expression: "It looks like our line is . . . is that an above-ground pool?"
Defining characteristics: Picks the most inopportune moments for ripping velcro of his glove, opening a bag of potato chips, or trying to jam his irons back into his bag. Favorite expression: "My bad. Did that bother you?"
Defining characteristics: Thinks he's being nice by telling you this is the best he's seen you play. Only introduces the notion that it can't last. Favorite expression: "Somebody is going to break 80 for the first time!"