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Bend the Knee

Zach Wilson was the Content King of the NFL Draft’s opening night

Plenty of big storylines hovered around night one of the NFL Draft on Thursday. The 49ers grabbed Trey Lance at three, the Bears moved up to get their first quarterback in franchise history, the Raiders reached (yes, again), and then there was Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. And yet somehow the biggest content shaker and baker of the evening was sure-thing Zach Wilson, who somehow turned his foregone conclusion of an evening into an off-the-rails content coaster.

First came the requisite staged gym photo. Rise and grind, kiddos, and someday you too might get drafted by the most embarrassing organization in American sports.

. . . and after that, the Men’s Warehouse photo shoot . . .

. . . which of course took on a life of its own. You're going to like the way you look.

Then right around the time Wilson became the first guy to hug the Commish in 24 excruciating, commissioner-hugless months . . .

. . . Bart Scott ripped the poor kid’s lifeforce out of his chest live on ESPN Radio.

Indeed he did, Bart. Indeed he did. But ESPN’s completely fabricated narrative was quickly forgotten, as the internet soon discovered Zach Wilson’s mom . . .

. . . and also Zach Wilson’s girlfriend.

But just because Wilson was now officially drafted, it didn’t mean the fun had to stop. No sir. So the former BYU signal caller fired up the endorsement machine once again, shilling first for crystal clear Verizon 5G . . .

. . . and then Bose noise-cancelling headphones, which really completed the disgraced former stock broker look.

If there were any concerns about how this corporate android 1 percenter who spent his formative college years at a Mormon school in Nowheresville, Utah would handle the Big Apple and adapt to his new teammates, all those were laid to rest at a group photo shoot to cap the evening.

OK, so we’re being a little hard on the kid. Thrust into an unimaginable spotlight at the age of 21, all of us would have made a few mistakes and hawked a cheap buck or two. Wilson did exactly that, and we’ll tease him for it, but it shouldn’t have anything to do with who he is as a person and quarterback . . . at least not yet. Plus, we shouldn’t complain. If Wilson keeps this prodigious pace, we’ll never have a slow news day again.