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Hook 'Em Horns

This story about Texas special teams coach Jeff Banks’ stripper girlfriend’s pet monkey attacking a kid on Halloween is a rollercoaster fit for Six Flags

November 02, 2021

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We’re just a few weeks removed from a Coach O tell-all that including tales of him trying to pick up his boss’ wife at a gas station and letting his lady friends run drills at practice. Before that, the whole world stopped and watched as Urban Meyer got a lap-adjacent dance from a woman not named Shelley Meyer at a Columbus bar. Some of us are even old enough to remember Hugh Freeze using a school-issued phone to call escort services while on Ole Miss recruiting trips and a road-rashed, neckbraced Bobby Petrino denying reports that a 25-year-old student-athlete coordinator was on the back of his motorcycle with him when he suffered a serious accident while head ball coach of Arkansas back in 2012. All of that, however, is a mere amuse bouche for the story that broke out of Texas football on Monday night …

So first of all, we hope the kid is OK. There are conflicting reports about the severity of the attack, but the general consensus is that the injuries weren’t life threatening in any way. This is a good thing and also clears the runway for the next piece of this debauched jigsaw puzzle:

The monkey actually belongs to Jeff Banks’ girlfriend, Danielle Thomas, a semi-famous stripper known as “Pole Assassin” who was hosting a haunted house in her backyard on Halloween. According to her, a child attending the haunted house wandered through a gate they shouldn't have, and began banging on the “emotional support” monkey's cage. You can probably fill in the blanks from there.

Once you wrap your head around the fact that Banks—who makes over $1 million dollars a year to call fake punts like this and is said to be a contender for several Power Five head coaching positions—recently left his wife and kids for a primate-owning stripper named “Pole Assassin,” this becomes the central issue at play. Was the kid where they shouldn’t be because mom and dad were too busy bobbing for apples? Or was this monkey part of the haunted house attraction, as some have alleged?

We’re sure all of these questions will soon be answered in televised civil court, and frankly, we can’t wait to watch. Hook ‘em horns.