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The best part of no fans at NFL games is hearing Philip Rivers talk all the trash

October 05, 2020

If you’ve been paying even the slightest bit of attention, you’re probably aware that The Loop are VERY big fans of Philip Rivers. Not necessarily Philip Rivers the NFL quarterback or Philip Rivers the prolific procreator, but Philip Rivers the soundbite—a dagummiting, trash-talking wizard that calls everyone by their number and doesn’t need curse words to tear your soul out of your chest on national TV. Just ask Chicago Bears linebacker Roquan Smith, who got shrimp-on-the-barbie-d by Rivers on Sunday while America gleefully listened in.

That’s Rivers midway through the fourth quarter of the Colts’ 19-11 win over the previously undefeated Chicago Bears. After attempting to draw the Bears offsides on 4th-and-1, the Colts called a timeout and Rivers immediately began jawing, pointing at Smith, saying, “two-eight [Colts running back Jonathan Taylor] turned the corner on you.” “He turned the corner on you,” he then repeats as if Smith didn’t hear him the first time, which he clearly had. Finally, he makes three the magic number. “He turned the CORNERRRR on you,” he says, slowing “corner” down for dramatic effect while miming said curvature with the hook of his index finger. Simple, to the point, and absolutely deadly.

Now we can all agree that football without fans is better than no football at all. Without hammered assholes in the stands fighting their cousin while shouting insults about your grandma, however, it does seem to be missing a little bit of je ne sais quois. That said, if there's were one silver lining to take from all this and hang in the heavens as a beacon of hope, it’s that we can all—young and old, rich and poor—finally enjoy the trash talk of the almighty one-seven.