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Breakfast of Champions

Mel Kiper Jr.’s draft-day breakfast is an unhinged power move that demands respect

April 28, 2022

No one—not Roger Goodell, not Jets fans, not a pasty 6th-round Tom Brady—is as synonymous with the NFL Draft as Mel Kiper Jr. Kiper was football’s original grandma’s-basement guru turned superstar. With his iconic coif and assault-rifle staccato, Kiper Jr. took on the scouts and GMs and won, giving hope to millions of pocket-protector nerds playing fantasy football on post-it notes. If you try long enough (and loud enough), Kiper’s story suggested, then you too might one day make the ESPN airwaves.

Thing is, Kiper Jr. never went anywhere. He never stepped aside and made room. He just grew more powerful and more dominant, a draft Thanos turning to dreams to dust at the snap of his fingers. What’s his secret? What fuels him on his eternal quest to be the boldest, wrongest guy in the room each April? Well, folks, we finally have our answer.

No antioxidants, no fiber, no whole grains. Just Pumpkin pie, fat-free Reddi Wip, and a glass of milk. If that isn’t the most deranged breakfast you could possibly consume hours before going live in front of millions of football fans dying to bathe in your blood, we honestly don’t know what is. Where do you even find pumpkin pie this time of year? Kiper must have a guy.

On a deeper level, though, the spread recalls some of the great power moves in human history. Lyndon B. Johnson’s legendary urinal meetings. David Lee Roth banning just the brown M&Ms on the Van Halen rider. If you want to be a true alpha—if you want to grab life by the horns, look it in the eye, and say “you feeling lucky, punk?”—then these are the unhinged waters you must tread. Kiper knows this. Kiper has always known this. Fortune favors the bold, and nothing is bolder than pie for breakfast.