Golfpocalypse
If you had to give up golf or sex for the rest of your life, which would you choose?
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Golfpocalypse is a weekly collection of words about golf (professional and otherwise) with very little in the way of a point, and the Surgeon General says it will make you a worse person. Reach out to The Golfpocalypse with your questions or comments on absolutely anything at shane.spr8@gmail.com.
Let's level: This is the kind of question that is intriguing only for a very small subset of human beings, but if you found this on Golf Digest, you MAY be one of those human beings. It popped into my head the other day, and I'm not even sure why—I wasn't doing either thing at the time—but if it's true that the average man thinks about sex 19 times a day, and a golf obsessive thinks about golf roughly 6,000 times per day, it was probably inevitable that at some point the two would overlap and this would pop up in my brain.
Now, let's define the question, because I know a lot of you are already looking for loopholes. First, on the golf front, this means absolutely no golf. No putting on a mat at home, no watching it on TV, and obviously nothing on the course. As far as "sex," we're not talking intercourse only; it means all sexual activity, with another person(s) or, uhhh, otherwise. Enough said there; I am not writing in Sex Digest, and I don't want my editors to kill me. (I just googled "Sex Digest," and I'm pretty sure no such publication exists ... feels like a huge missed opportunity ... how are the poly nerds not all over this?)
Like I said, 99% of people on this planet would consider this an incredibly easy question (and wonder what the hell is wrong with anyone choosing golf), but I know there are some of you out there really agonizing right now. And there are probably a few who aren't agonizing, and who would pick golf without hesitation, regardless of what they might tell their wives or husbands.
There are, of course, a few tactical considerations if you were ever forced to make this choice. For one thing, the vagaries of the body could take either of these from you at any moment. The older we get, the more likely it is that fate will snap its fingers and instantly end our golf or sex careers (especially for men). That would suck, but the ultimate kick in the nuts in this hypothetical would be to choose one and then have nature to deprive you of the other. So think carefully about what's going to last longer: the back and the knees, or whatever combination of glands and chemicals control things down there.
After I thought about this for a while, I went to the internet, because surely somebody had asked this question before. And they had, kinda. There's a Reddit thread from a year ago asking which one is better, and it's mostly useful for the top comments, almost all of which are hilariously self-deprecating. A smattering of my favorites:
"I have trouble getting it up either way."
"Why disappoint a woman when I can just disappoint myself?"
"It can depend on your partner, in both cases."
"Sex is going horribly wrong for you if something as soul-crushing and emotionally painful as golf can be is a more enjoyable experience."
"I enjoy both. After years of practice I’m not got at either. I have resigned myself to watching others do it properly."
"Post [sex] clarity: get me out of here. Post round clarity: Wonder if I can squeeze in another 9."
There's not much in the way of scientific data here. The only thing I could find was a Golf Monthly poll where 32% of readers said they would give up sex forever in lieu of golf. To sex's credit, it was the only question that beat golf head to head. A majority of respondents would have said goodbye forever to Christmas, birthdays, watching golf on TV, vacations, and eating meat. All of which makes sense; the older you get, the less holidays matter, playing golf itself is a mini-vacation every day, giving up meat would actually be great for you, and playing golf is way better than watching. Would it be tough to explain to my wife and kids that we no longer travel and that Christmas is off because I wouldn't give up golf? Sure. But these are the kinds of sacrifices I'm willing to make.
None of them, though, come close to giving up sex. You can tell this is a good hypothetical for the golf-sick among us because at some point in your deliberation, you will think, "you know what? Maybe it's better to just die." Maybe if the choices are a life without either golf or sex, maybe that's a hard pass ... maybe we just say it's been a good run and take a gamble on the afterlife.
I'm just kidding about that, but it shows the question isn't really about golf or sex, but about getting older. And that might be why it's so intriguing. I'm 42 and have been lucky to avoid physical maladies to date, but judging by reports from 100% of the older people in my life, things are not far from going haywire. I'm slowly entering the "hold on and pray" portion of my life, the plot armor that protected me in my 20s and 30s is in tatters, and at the very best the future seems to entail a lot of compromise with yourself; how do you cope with whatever you're going to lose?
I know I sound like I'm about 90 years old, but screw it, once in a while you have to glimpse the old man mindset to gird yourself for what's coming. "Golf or sex?" is not something I truly have to consider right now, but maybe contemplating it in the abstract will give me that minuscule bit of preparation for the time when this question, or others like it, are answered for me.
But if that's too depressing to end on, then may I suggest an antidote: Read here about the lunatics who are choosing both golf and sex, at the same time.
FIVE TOUR THOUGHTS: MEXICO/COGNIZANT EDITION
1. Look, I'm going to have to repeat this every time we go through a non-signature event that isn't Phoenix: Golf should really look at an F1-style schedule with 20 top tier events to go along with the four majors. (Read that piece if you want more details; the F1 is shorthand, and isn't totally descriptive, but the point is to highlight a schedule where the best players are always there.) It's not like there's nothing to enjoy in the off weeks currently, but the have/have-not dichotomy is more pronounced than ever, and even though the ratings for both tournaments were up on 2024, they can't compare to the number of people watching events like the Genesis. And it's no wonder—the leaderboards were just dire from a "this guy gets me excited to watch golf!" standpoint. No disrespect to Brian Campbell or Joe Highsmith, both of whom have solid stories, but take one look at the Bay Hill tee times and the difference is profound.
We're probably beating a dead horse on this topic by now, but I can't see any solution beyond making the tiers even more explicit.
2. I was just reading an old piece about the design philosophies of Pete Dye and Jack Nicklaus, and one of the running themes was the role luck should play in even high level golf. Should you embrace the randomness, or do your best to control it so good play isn't inadvertently punished or bad play inadvertently rewarded? It wasn't so simple as I'm making it sound, but Dye was more on the "what happens, happens" end of the spectrum, while Nicklaus tried to enforce justice through his designs. I have to think Pete Dye would have loved seeing Brian Campbell's sliced tee shot hit a tree and bounce back into play on Sunday at Mexico; just a classic, fun example of stupid luck leading to a life-changing outcome. We don't want it all the time, but occasionally, it's beautiful.
3. Did you know Joe Highsmith, Cognizant winner, plays piano??? To the point that he was considering becoming a professional pianist?? I loved reading that, which proves how starved I am for any little nugget in the bios of professional golfers that adds more color than "plays golf a lot, hunts/fishes, does religion." In my head, Highsmith is already Mozart. He and Sahith Theegala, big chess guy, should host a pretentious podcast on NPR.
4. Going back to the big separation between signature events and "ordinary" ones, under the current system the run-of-the-mill weeks really need some special quirk to stand out. It's why Phoenix was fun; there's the constant threat of death at 16. Knowing that, it was a serious disappointment to see PGA National de-clawed last week. The "Bear Trap" was the only thing the tournament had going for it, and the fact that I saw it referred to as the "Cub Trap," "Mouse Trap," and a million other puns tells you how that turned out—one rye overseed, and the players were feasting. Is there a reason you can't have a U.S. Open-style setup once a year at a place like this? Imagine if the narrative going in was, oh baby, PGA National, this is where you can't even break par! It's not like you risk losing good players ... they're already not going. (The reason is probably "pace of play," but fix that another way!)
5. Putting this out there now: I think Aldrich Potgieter, who finished second in Mexico and would have own if not for that meddling tree, could become a cult hero among Tour fans, a sort of Neil Shipley type, or Pat Perez before he became insanely annoying.
THE ABSOLUTE IRONCLAD LOCKS OF THE WEEK
Golfpocalypse is not a gambling advice service, and you should never heed anything written here. Better picks are here.
Career Record: 7-58. I'm beginning to worry I'm not good at this.
At Bay Hill, it's Scottie time. I've never been so sure of anything in my life. The man has survived jail, a kitchen wound and who knows what else, and even when he's struggling he manages to play well. He's won twice on this course before, it's time for him to start rounding into Masters shape, and I see this one as a blowout. Time to impose your greatness, Scottie; the peasants are beginning to doubt the king.
At Blue Bay in the LPGA, I am picking Jeeno Thitikul until she wins, whether anyone likes it or not. A man must believe in something.
The Euros are in Johannesburg, I'm going with Romain Langasque just because it's been a while since we had a good French winner, and he seems to belong to a lost generation of guys who were almost there like six years ago, but who apparently have not gone away. Did you know he's only 29?? That's wild to me, I would have guessed 38 minimum. I have false memories of Romain Langasque almost making the Ryder Cup team in 2010.
I like that the sponsor for this week's Champions Tour event is Cologuard. Old guy events should have old guy sponsors. I'll take Stewart Cink, who seems too young to be allowed play in this.
Finally, at LIV Golf Sao Tome & Principe, give me Burnadoc "Sesame" Sied.
THE "DUMB TAKE I KIND OF BELIEVE"
There should be a one-day, 12-hole event every year where the Tour wives compete against each other, and the husbands have to caddie. The only rule is, you can't be good at golf. I want to see some outrageous hackery. I didn't realize this before googling it just now, but Si Woo Kim is apparently married to a professional golfer. Sorry, Ji Hyun Oh, but this is not for you.
READER EMAIL OF THE WEEK
This week, I asked for stories about your significant other being extremely upset that you were playing golf. This one came via Twitter, and the user wanted to be anonymous:
For background, there was obviously some heavy drinking, and me saying "I'll be home soon." I was about 5 hours late. She drove to the course. Paid for a cart. Told the official she had to bring me my diabetes medicine (I'm not diabetic) and yelled at me in front of people she didn't know until I agreed to leave.
Hell yes! It's the made up diabetes that really makes this story. I hope you put a ring on it.
Previously on Golfpocalypse:
I am the recent victim of golf snobbery, and I'm mad
Should the Tour just move to an F1 style schedule and be done with it?
I was the world's most annoying teenage golf maintenance worker
Can golf still be a spiritual experience in 2024?
There is nothing stranger than a golfer's brain...just ask us
I have the dumbest golf pet peeve, but I can't shake it
If you talk about politics on the course, please, for God's sake, stop
Loving Golf in 2024 is about finding where the money isn't
I believed in the magic of Tiger Woods when I was a kid, but I'm a cynic now
If you can enjoy playing golf alone, you have achieved Nirvana
I took 12 stitches to the head for golf before I even loved it
An annual 'Friends Ryder Cup' trip is the greatest thing in golf
Marshals at public golf courses need to get way meaner
I, and I alone, have the genius tweak to fix the Tour Championship
It cannot be fun to play golf when you're egregiously bad
Confession: I break clubs when I'm mad
Playing golf in bad weather makes me feel alive
Caring what other people think of your golf game is annoying to other people
Sympathize with Rory, because choking sucks