Golfpocalypse
If you can enjoy playing golf alone, you have achieved nirvana
Golfpocalypse is a weekly collection of words about (mostly) professional golf with very little in the way of a point, and the Surgeon General says it will make you a worse person. Reach out to The Golfpocalypse with your questions or comments on absolutely anything at shane.spr8@gmail.com.
I'm no hero. I am no role model. When I play golf alone, and it's not on an empty course (i.e., paradise), there's a very good chance I will spend part or all of the round extremely pissed off because people are too slow. This is mostly unfair and petty. How dare this group of four men take more time than me! Other times, it's justified. If there's some absolute time terrorist who takes ten practice strokes with his putter, he will have the tee time ahead of me, and so far my tactic of glaring so hard at him that a meteor falls out of the sky to crush him has not worked.
Playing solo isn't always what it's cracked up to be, and I say all this because I don't want to sound corny saying what I'm about to say next: I had an almost religious experience last week playing a course called Royal New Kent outside Richmond, VA. With the rest of the family on vacation in Maine, I decided to drive from North Carolina to cover the Presidents Cup in Montreal rather than fly, seeing some family and playing some golf along the way. I wanted to stop at Royal New Kent because it's a Mike Strantz course, and if you don't know Strantz, you should—he only designed a few courses before passing away relatively young, but the ones I've played are absolute weird gems that make you feel like you're in a fever dream. I'm not an architecture nerd by any means, but his courses are the only ones that have ever made me feel like I'm existing inside an actual work of art, and I truly believe you could drop me on any of his courses that I haven't yet played and I'd know it was a Strantz course instantly. It's the same way some movie directors have a style you can't help but recognize; true genius only has itself to imitate.
His courses are also tricky and visually intimidating, especially if you've never played them before, and I decided to play at 6700 yards, which is maybe a hair long for me. They put me out alone on a Saturday mid-morning, and I actually got about five holes in before I reached the group in front of me. At that point, I realized the rest of the round was going to be achingly slow.
But here's the thing: I was fine. And I don't know why! I just committed myself to studying the course and thinking about my shots as deeply as I could, and almost treating the round like an epic adventure where my result mattered way more than it did. I became studious, and spent minutes reckoning with risk/reward calculations as I waited. Now, granted, I still made my share of dumb mistakes, but arguably fewer than normal, and treating the course like a puzzle to be solved put me in a state that was almost like zen.
It might have just been the day. It certainly might have been the course, which provided a lot of stimulation you're not going to get from your muni. It might have been the pleasant, fall-ish weather. One way or another, though, I felt uniquely at peace. I could have played a six-hour round if necessary.
In the end, I shot a 97—if you don't know my game, I'm an 11 handicap who has broken 80 three times ever, but this course was so tough at 6700 that I just couldn't avoid a couple blowup holes—and it still felt like one of the best rounds of my life. It was certainly one of my favorites. I immediately wanted another crack at the course, and almost as immediately started looking up other Strantz courses for my bucket list.
Frankly, I don't know what happened to me, and I fully expect to seethe the next time I'm alone and stuck behind some AimPoint douchebag, but I also think the memory of the Royal New Kent round is going to carry me for a while. Inner peace while playing golf? Folks, I cannot recommend it enough.
FIVE TOUR THOUGHTS, PRESIDENTS CUP EDITION
JARED C TILTON
1. This will surprise no one, since I'm a longtime Presidents Cup stan, but I sincerely have to tip my hat to this event for its resilience in the face of legions of haters. Every single Cup, without fail, the two weeks leading up to the event are marked by golf's take merchants saying the same exact thing: It's boring because the U.S. keeps dominating, and we need a new format. And every single time, the Presidents Cup is one of the most fun weeks of the year, even though the first part of that formulation remains correct ... the U.S. keeps dominating! Yet again, it wasn't that close in Montreal (though I think Mike Weir screwed things up for his team more than you might think), but we still got three ridiculous days of team golf for our troubles, culminating in the Saturday night showdown between Schauffele/Cantlay and Kim/Kim which was possibly the best match I've ever seen in these events. Sure, singles got sloggy, but who cares? It still beats watching Austin Eckroat win the Cognizant Classic, and what came before was more compelling than anything that happened this year except the majors and the Players. What are we actually complaining about? Why do we hate fun?
2. Speaking of which, one of the most common new formats people suggest is a mixed event. Pardon me for going against the grain here, but I personally believe it would suck. The minute you have a team of six men and six women, all you've done is dilute both the Presidents Cup and the Solheim Cup. It wouldn't belong to one group or the other, there would be no history—not even the weird Presidents Cup history—and the stakes would be depressingly low for both the players and the fans. It's kind of become a trendy move in golf media to advocate for this, but I think it would be a dud. The Solheim Cup is great! The Presidents Cup is great! This would be some lifeless hybrid of the two and it would not work. The PGA and LPGA should absolutely do a mixed golf event, and if it has legs, some sort of international competition might evolve from it. A wholesale replacement of the Presidents Cup? That's a disaster waiting to happen.
3. My big superficial takeaway from Royal Montreal is that Xander Schauffele has become a big sauntering alpha and nobody can touch him. Team leader, team jokester and he completed his 4-1 record by thrashing Jason Day in singles. Winning two majors absolutely unleashed this guy, and the vision of him smoking a victory cigar and looking smug as hell lives in my brain. Right now, you could convince me he's winning three next year.
4. I've now covered two away Presidents Cups, and I have to say that the Canadian fans were way, way better than the Australian fans at Royal Melbourne. I realize I am going to get punched in the face by an angry Aussie for this take, and have Fosters and vegemite dumped on my lifeless body as a warning to others, but it's true. Whoever the maniacs were at the LIV Adelaide tournament last year, they were missing in action in Melbourne, while the Canadians at Royal Montreal managed to rally from a polite, subdued first day to bring the heat on Friday and Saturday. It felt like an actual road game for the Americans, and I did not expect that so close to the border.
5. Everyone thought it was going to be a mess trying to get onto the island where Royal Montreal is located, and it probably was for the masses, but I discovered a ferry river crossing a few miles away that was a lifesaver. It cost $10 Canadian, it fit about six cars, and it was attached to a wire that ran overhead across the river to keep the boat from getting pulled away by the current. And folks, it was utterly charming. Screw bridges, I want more ferry crossings in my life.
Oh, and speaking of crossings, I drove to Montreal, and the border guard on the way to Canada asked me if I had any weapons, including "tasers." I laughed at this and immediately regretted it. Luckily he did not send me to the side of the road for a strip search, or whatever they do.
THE ABSOLUTE IRONCLAD LOCKS OF THE WEEK
The Golfpocalypse is not a gambling advice service, and you should never heed anything written here. Better picks are here.
Career Record: 4-31. We're going back a couple weeks now, but DAMMIT, Billy Horschel's late heroics at the BMW PGA cost me my Rory pick. What is Horschel even doing at this event??? Stay in Florida, Billy! Also, I'm now really regretting not running a pre-Presidents Cup Golfpocalypse just to pick the US. Total freebie, wasted.
It's fall season time on the PGA Tour, starting with Sanderson Farms Classic—tremendous farms, really beautiful farms—and I'm riding with Maverick McNealy. I'm not even sure why, but I wrote a Ryder Cup piece the other day where his name kept coming up in my research, and I'm going to choose to interpret this as a sign from the universe. Also, McNealy feels like the kind of guy who will end up with three PGA Tour wins, and every one of them will be in the fall.
The LPGA is off this week, so we're heading right to the DP World Tour and the Alfred Dunhill Links Championship. Man, how great was Angel Hidalgo at the Spanish Open? Love this guy! I really want him to catch fire and make the Ryder Cup. Anyway, there are some really heavy hitters at the Old Course this week, but I'm going against the grain and picking Matt Fitzpatrick. Early October feels like a "Matt Fitzpatrick has spent the last month doing math" time of year, and I think his formulas and equations will get him to like 18 under.
PGA Tour Champions is hosting something called "Constellation Furyk and Friends," and that's remarkable because I didn't even know Jim Furyk had a constellation named after him. It seems like this is some kind of Pebble Beach for the olds? In any case, Furyk is riding high after kicking some International butt in Montreal, so I'll just keep it simple: Jim Furyk.
At LIV Golf Novosibirsk, I like Helmut "Three Gloves" Sauer.
THE "DUMB TAKE I KIND OF BELIEVE"
There should be secondary cart paths that go down the middle of the fairway so that on days when it's cart path only, you don't have to keep walking a million miles back and forth. It would also add a fun dimension of trying to hit your drive there to get extra yardage. I can't see anything wrong with this.
THE READER STORY OF THE WEEK
An anonymous reader sends in this story about playing alone that I am choosing to believe without reservation:
Playing alone one day last summer. I chip in for birdie from 25 yards off the green, by far the best chip shot I’ve ever hit. Looking around desperately hoping anybody else on the planet saw it, I see Mariano Rivera (yes, that one) driving a golf cart and looking at me with a huge grin and thumbs up. Never said a word to each other.
As a Yankee fan, this is the dream I never knew I had.
Previously on Golfpocalypse:
I took 12 stitches to the head for golf before I even loved it
An annual 'Friends Ryder Cup' trip is the greatest thing in golf
Marshals at public golf courses need to get way meaner
I, and I alone, have the genius tweak to fix the Tour Championship
It cannot be fun to play golf when you're egregiously bad
Confession: I break clubs when I'm mad
Playing golf in bad weather makes me feel alive
Caring what other people think of your golf game is annoying to other people
Sympathize with Rory, because choking sucks