There is nothing stranger than a golfer's brain. Just ask us

Golfpocalypse is a weekly collection of words about (mostly) professional golf with very little in the way of a point, and the Surgeon General says it will make you a worse person. Reach out to The Golfpocalypse with your questions or comments on absolutely anything at shane.spr8@gmail.com.

If I'm not careful, superstitions will own me on the golf course. I'll become a paranoid, twitchy mess with 3,000 rituals to perform on every shot, and nobody will ever want to play with me. And to my credit, I mostly stay out of their clutches. I have some basic comfort-level rules I abide by—two extra balls in the left pocket, divot tool and mark in the right—but even my pre-shot routine is very basic, consisting of just a single practice swing followed by the real deal. To the naked eye, I think I seem like a normal golfer. More or less.

But inside the brain? Hoo boy. There is so much happening, and a lot of it is blatantly nuts. More than nuts, you could call it self-deluding, egomaniacal and maybe even narcissistic, because it goes beyond superstition and into the realm of self-narrated fantasy.

For example: You, the observer, might believe that my success or failure on a given shot is a matter or technique and execution, but in my mind I am being blessed or cursed by higher universal forces. If I'm having a good round, I imagine there's a secret gallery living and dying with every shot, and I'l sometimes conduct imaginary interviews about the round as it's happening. (In this respect, I am almost exactly like a 10-year-old kid shooting baskets in his driveway, imagining he's in the NBA Finals ... except I'm a 41-year-old dude with kids of my own, which is perhaps mildly more pathetic.) As we'll get to in the reader email section below, I assign character traits to individual balls based on past performance, and reward or punish them accordingly. You want to slice on me, old Callaway triple track? Guess who's staying in the pocket on the next tee. Save your tears—you brought this on yourself.

I could go on—it's one lunatic thing after another. The thing is, though, so much of it comes to the forefront of my mind unbidden. It's the constant brain noise that golf invites, and I think I do a pretty good job of letting it flow through me without indulging it to any damaging degree. As I said, if I gave in to the darker impulses, I'd probably be one of those neurotics you find on the range who own 300 sets of clubs, or I'd force myself to recite a 3-minute mantra before each swing. Luckily, I've largely fought off those demons. And I am very grateful that nobody has figured out a way to project the thoughts running through my head to a larger audience, because even in my restrained form, I'd probably be committed.

Here's the thing, though ... that's kind of the appeal. Right? Golf has a way of absorbing 100% of your mental energy in a way that can be freeing. If your mind is consumed with technique, and score, and routine, or even the broader narrative of your round, you're not thinking about the world burning or wondering why your kid suddenly seems really into watching videos of sharks eating seals or fantasizing about telling off your terrible boss/wife. (For the record, I love my bosses and my wife, albeit in different ways.) In the escapism that golf provides, it's very much like a drug, which is why a lot of recovering addicts find golf so useful—you can spend four-plus hours free of your cravings. I used to play with a recovering heroin addict who would literally play 54 holes every weekend day for that exact reason.

As such, it's a salutary madness. I have a secret opinion that almost every human on earth is about 50% weirder than you'd think, and I can't think of a better way to safely indulge that insanity than golf. One of my friends, for instance, mutters to himself after mistakes in extended monologues that are just barely audible to the rest of us. He looks like a headcase, but he is in fact a very successful human being and plenty of fun to be around. Clearly, he needs this outlet.

I need it too. And the bizarre thoughts and fantasies and delusions that occur are part of what makes the great rounds so special. The first time I broke 80, two summers ago, the storyline I invented in my head of what I was attempting made me more nervous than I had any right to be. Clearly, nobody cared if I broke 80, and it would not materially affect my life. But the wild flights the brain goes on made it matter, and even though that produced a ton of anxiety over the closing holes, it also made the achievement so much sweeter. I wasn't just some middle-age guy reaching some very modest milestone; I was the hero of the story.

Is it self-delusion? Sure. But do we all need a bit of that, especially here in 2024? Also yes. The sheer force of crazy in our heads compels it some out somehow, and it might as well be on the golf course.

FIVE TOUR THOUGHTS: World Wide Technology Championship/Abu Dhabi Edition

1. If you haven't seen it yet, you should read Luke Kerr-Dineen's story on Rory's swing changes. I am not a swing junkie, but even for me it was fascinating (check out the video too). Luke is bullish on the concept of the change, and it seems to be working. AND YET, last week in Abu Dhabi he did the most Rory shit ever in making a crazy charge on Saturday and then blowing it with a triple bogey on the 18th hole. Those three dropped shots ending up being the difference in the final margin between him and the winner Paul Waring, and it occurred to me that even when there's a narrative of Rory breaking out of some previous cycle, we always seem to rebound to the same exact patterns we've watched for a decade. I don't mean to be harsh on the guy—he's clearly playing excellent golf, still—but the really big test of the swing change will be proving it makes any difference in the high-pressure moments. And until it does, I will be bullying Luke Kerr-Dineen as a hoity-toity NERD who doesn't understand that players win with GRIT and GUMPTION.

2. Here's the thing—Rory has already secured the Race to Dubai win (unless Thriston Lawrence gets super Thristy this week), but the dude just needs to win something. On one hand I continue to be amazed at how well he plays through disappointments and stress and constant public attention, but on the other, the sense that he's cursed never to win seems to have only gotten more acute after Pinehurst with how things have gone down in Europe this fall. I know it sounds like a very basic thing to say, but it cannot be emphasized enough: The man needs to win. He's already tied for the lead after one round in Dubai as I write this, so he should have another great shot on Sunday.

3. In a long Q&A with Kyle Porter at his Normal Sport newsletter, I found myself needing a real rank-and-file journeyman Tour player to help make a joke. Here's what I wrote:

I'm always flattered when you compliment my writing, and knowing that you liked something like that piece carries me through the times when I'm writing some blog titled, "Watch Austin Eckroat get OWNED by this sassy turtle!!!!"

Well, Austin Eckroat did not get owned by a sassy turtle, but he did win in Mexico last week. It's his second Tour win ever, and now he's in the world top 40, and it may be the case that simply mentioning him in a newsletter influenced the universe and helped him win. Just to be safe, he should send me half his winnings.

4. Every year, I keep a close eye on the players who seem to come out of nowhere during the fall season. I like to think of this as the "Brendon Todd Award," and one of this year's legends of the fall is Max Greyserman, who notched two straight top-5s at the Zozo and last week in Mexico, and is now 37th in the world. But it's not just the fall with Greyserman—he was 126th a couple months ago before back-to-back runner-ups at the 3M and the Wyndham (where he blew a win with a brutal quad on Sunday), and he has simply not slowed down since. I'm flagging him as a potential Wyndham Clark type for 2025—someone who might be on the cusp of becoming elite.

5. Whenever I see a winner like Paul Waring (who beat Rory in Abu Dhabi), and I don't know much about him, I like to read the transcript to get a sense of his personality. It was mostly your mundane, run-of-the-mill stuff—he seemed a little shellshocked at having won—but this was my favorite exchange:

Q. You've got some lovely friends waiting back there to celebrate with you. Celebrations going to be good?
PAUL WARING: I'm a bit worried, actually.

Hell yeah. The best party is the kind that is about to get so wild that it actually scares you beforehand.

THE ABSOLUTE IRONCLAD LOCKS OF THE WEEK

Golfpocalypse is not a gambling advice service, and you should never heed anything written here. Better picks are here.

Career Record: 5-46. A narrow miss on Greyserman, and unfortunately I do not get credit for correctly predicting the last name of the LPGA winner in Hawaii, having chosen Gina Kim instead of eventual winner A Lim Kim. In fact, somewhat embarrassingly, I chose the worst possible Kim ... Auston Kim (3rd), Hyo Joo Kim (T-9) and Grace Kim (T-11) would also have been better than Gina, who ended 35th. As with Kanye West, Kris Humphries and Pete Davidson before me, I have ultimately failed on the Kim front.

The Tour is in Bermuda, and because of the time difference I get to see the first round leaders before making my prediction. You would be shocked at how little this has helped me in the past, but I'm choosing to think positive. And what better way to make up for my Kim gaffe last week than a Kim redemption story? As such, I'm rolling with Michael Kim, a very good social media follow who is currently 3 under and who, after a very miserable second half of 2024, is starting to play some good golf. He finished T-5 at the Shriners and T-30 in Mexico, and showed the ability to get super hot with his closing 62 at the Shriners. Therefore, I decree that the Twitter man shall win.

It's the grand finale of the DPWT in Dubai, and I'm going to ride with Rory. Not just because it's more fun when he's winning once in a while, but because I actually am convinced by the scoundrel Luke Kerr-Dineen that the swing change is legit. It's a little like the feeling of investing in crypto, where I'm sure the bottom will fall out, but the initial enthusiasm is fun. Let's ride it.

The LPGA is holding The ANNIKA, and the way they capitalize ANNIKA is funny to me in a way I can't quite explain. I just imagine some marketing person screaming "Annika!" at me, like I wouldn't get it with normal inflection. Anyway, because I can't pick Caitlin Clark, I'll go with Nelly Korda ... it feels like we haven't heard from her in a while, so why not?

At LIV Golf Donetsk, I'm taking Josh-Josh Dubloon.

THE "DUMB TAKE I KIND OF BELIEVE"

There should be one celeb in every field, every week. It was fun having Caitlin Clark in the pro-am (though I can't fathom the decision-making that led to not having the entire round televised), but I want to see what she would score over a full round. Same for Justin Timberlake. Same for the late Abe Vigoda. Get 'em out there!

THE READER STORY OF THE WEEK

My two favorites this week come from Luke and James. Here's Luke:

When I miss the green and need to play a bump-and-run type shot to the flag, I always use the club that I missed the green with, to give the club a chance to redeem itself.

Is it the smartest way to get the ball into the hole? Probably not. But happy clubs are productive clubs, and I owe them a chance to make their mistakes right.

I love this because I have those same exact thoughts. Sometimes I want to give a club or a ball a second chance after it let me down, other times I want to punish it. The real conundrum comes when you surprise yourself by recovering a ball that went deep in the woods or the water or something. Has it learned its lesson? Is it now the best possible ball to use, since it never wants to experience those lows before? Or is it an unrepentant bad ball, destined to screw up again? These are the tough decisions that only a true leader can make.

Now James:

Not mine, but a buddy has to ride in a cart that has a number that is a good score for either 9 or 18 holes.

That's psychotic, and I love it.

Previously on Golfpocalypse:

I have the dumbest golf pet peeve, but I can't shake it
If you talk about politics on the course, please, for God's sake, stop
Loving Golf in 2024 is about finding where the money isn't
I believed in the magic of Tiger Woods when I was a kid, but I'm a cynic now
If you can enjoy playing golf alone, you have achieved Nirvana
I took 12 stitches to the head for golf before I even loved it
An annual 'Friends Ryder Cup' trip is the greatest thing in golf
Marshals at public golf courses need to get way meaner
I, and I alone, have the genius tweak to fix the Tour Championship
It cannot be fun to play golf when you're egregiously bad
Confession: I break clubs when I'm mad
Playing golf in bad weather makes me feel alive
Caring what other people think of your golf game is annoying to other people
Sympathize with Rory, because choking sucks