If you talk about politics on the golf course, please, for God's sake, stop

Golfpocalypse is a weekly collection of words about (mostly) professional golf with very little in the way of a point, and the Surgeon General says it will make you a worse person. Reach out to The Golfpocalypse with your questions or comments on absolutely anything at shane.spr8@gmail.com.

I want to be clear up top that I am NOT one of those namby-pamby both-sides political dweebs who pretends to be above the fray by carving out some fictional middle ground. Those people are the worst. Pick a side, cowards! I have my deeply held beliefs, I'm happy to say them out loud in the proper context, and if you disagree with me, I hope you get the plague on election day. (Temporarily, of course—just enough so you can't vote.) These are serious times, and everyone should have serious opinions.

However, I cannot emphasize this point enough: I do not need to hear those opinions on the golf course. Ever.

I am so adamantly against political discussion on the course that I have become an expert at shutting it down—talk to me about Trump or Kamala, and I will make the most noncommittal noise that you've ever heard. It's a kind of halfhearted grunt, originating in the thoughtless depths of my gut, and it is entirely inscrutable. You could bring in the CIA's top behavioral analysts to review the tape and they'd have no idea whether I'm even awake, much less what candidate I support.

Why? Let's start with the unfortunate fact that we are living in hyper-political times, and we're polarized to the hilt. If I was playing golf in the 1980s, before our brains were broken by partisan cable news networks and social media that make money off our rage ... well, things might be different. I might be interested to hear you tell me why Oliver North is actually a hero or why we should nuke Gorbachev. I could take that in stride.

This does not apply anymore. Today, especially in an election year but pretty much always, we live inside the equivalent of a political snow globe that is being relentlessly shaken by a deranged child. It's chaos. I swear that 40% of people—and here I will say that it's both sides—can't go two minutes without bringing up politics. It's all they can think about, and every little neural pathway in the brain leads right back to their favorite hobbyhorse. You want to talk about the lovely fall weather, like a normal person? Buddy, I hope you like hearing about how the government did the hurricanes. That's an extreme example, yes, but on a smaller scale it happens all the time. As much as I love my father-in-law, for instance, I got the point the seventh time he told me how dangerous Trump is. Please, man, let's just watch more YouTube clips of vintage car shows.

And because of this incredibly stifling atmosphere, it's more important than ever to have neutral ground—a demilitarized zone, but for people who want to hit a 9-iron in peace. For however many years or months we have left before the second civil war, or the great purge, or whatever nightmare is coming, I would like to have some spaces outside my home where I don't have to think about our political dumpster fire. There's a quote attributed to the Greek general Pericles that goes, "just because you don't take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you," and while it's a piercing and insightful quote, I would still prefer to be outside the political purview for a few hours now and then.

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The golf course should be that sanctuary. Full stop. If you're paired with a stranger, and you're going to have a higher or lower opinion of him based on politics, I have a wild proposition: Go with option three, total mystery. I have found that political affiliation has almost no correlation with how much fun someone can be in a limited time and place like the golf course, so let's keep the secret intact and pretend for a couple hours that it doesn't matter. (Also, don't wear political clothes or hats ... that's an instant mood killer, and nobody wants to play with a walking billboard.)

But even if we agree on principle about the main issues—hell, even if you're an AI clone of me trained to spout my exact perfect opinions—I still don't want to hear it while I'm trying to hit my first straight drive of the day on 13. I don't want to think about it. Having my own opinions regurgitated at me still spoils the sanctuary. It still taints the round. You're still putting me back in the real world mentally, and let me tell you, I've had about enough of the real world.

Look, pretty soon we're all going to be in gulags or murdering our neighbors for water. That's where this is all headed. Until then, we need to embrace the opportunity to have a life away from politics. The golf course is the perfect place for that. You're in the beautiful outdoors. The horrors are somewhere else. If you're going to get mad, it should be because you just putted into a bunker, not because someone reminded you to worry about the election.

If you're out there on the fairways and greens, and you find yourself compelled to say something political, suppress it. Say something else—there must be more to you than the candidate or party you support. Alternatively, say nothing. Politics isn't going anywhere, I promise. It will be waiting for you beyond the 18th tee. Carving out a refuge is about the holiest act you can commit in 2024, and spoiling that refuge is social terrorism. Keep politics out of golf, and remember that whatever happens Tuesday night, a perfectly struck 7-iron will be just as sweet on Wednesday.

FIVE TOUR THOUGHTS, ZOZO CHAMPIONSHIP/GENESIS EDITION

1. Can Justin Thomas be officially back, please? I know there are mixed feelings on the guy, especially after the Full Swing Ryder Cup episode revealed that he spent a year successfully friend-seducing Zach Johnson (I still cringe when I hear the word "J-Tizzle"), but I've always found him interesting, intelligent, and compelling on the course. It was hard enough losing Spieth to his second act as a journeyman, or saying goodbye to all the fun players who disappeared to LIV and only resurface at the majors. We need people like JT to matter, and though I have no idea what to think of a tournament like the Zozo, I was happy to see him in second. May the good form continue.

2. Let me be the umpteenth person to say that Ben An's driver off the deck in Korea was one of the sickest things I've seen in a long time, and I firmly believe the golf gods rewarded his boldness with a tournament win. The only way for Tom Kim to have counteracted it was to immediately hit driver from wherever he was, including the bunker or green. The whole thing is even more incredible because An is firmly established in my head canon as a talented player who is frequently in contention, but never wins ... and aside from a win at the BMW PGA almost ten years ago, that's pretty much correct. Was this a moment of catharsis? A "screw it, I'm winning at any cost" epiphany that's going to set him on the path world no. 1? I'll certainly be picking him in this column for the foreseeable future, which means that no, he will never win again.

3. Count me among the people who thinks that Tom Kim breaking a locker room door in anger is very funny. There's just something about this guy where he just can't help tripping over his own feet. The Presidents Cup was a good example—Wyndham Clark was definitely a jerk to him, but the way Kim responded ended up making him look bad. It feels like his "emotional spontaneity" endeared him to fans at the start of his career, but now the tide is turning. But getting back to the original point, I think more golfers should destroy property after a tough loss. I wouldn't mind them going full rock 'n roll and trashing hotel rooms, either.

4. I know next to nothing about Nico Echavarria, who beat JT at the Zozo, but I found the timing interesting, because in the executive memo the Tour sent out Monday entailing all kinds of pretty radical changes, there was an almost offhand mention of Latin American golfers in reference to granting more exemptions at the Mexico Open. Here's what they wrote:

In recent years, there has been a decline in PGA TOUR members from the region participating in the event. To maintain the level of Latin American representation, there will be two additional sponsor exemptions designated to players from Latin America, for a total of six.

Clearly, they're a little worried about Latin America's place in the golf world, and that's probably even more acute after losing guys like Niemann and Ancer and Ortiz and Munoz to LIV. They'd love if someone like Echavarria suddenly became a superstar.

5. I spoke last week about having a relatively obscure player you follow every week for no real good reason, and how mine was David Skinns. Well, Skinns was second-to-DFL at the Zozo, proving yet again that simply being mentioned in this column is a curse.

THE ABSOLUTE IRONCLAD LOCKS OF THE WEEK

Golfpocalypse is not a gambling advice service, and you should never heed anything written here. Better picks are here.

Career Record: 5-41. What an incredible week. I nailed Padraig at the Simmons Bank Championship, had JT in second at the Zozo, and Hae-Ran Ryu third on the LPGA. Jonas Blixt was an emotional pick at the Genesis, and it failed predictably, but this is by far the best predictions week in Golfpocalypse history, and you should put your child's college fund into whoever I pick this week.

Unfortunately, we have no PGA Tour action AND no DP World Tour action. Lazy! Complacent! You've forced my hand, professional golf: I will now watch the New York Yankees complete an historic 0-3 comeback against the Dodgers on Saturday and Sunday. (I wrote this on Wednesday afternoon, and I'm leaving it as more evidence of just how jinxy this column really is.)

Luckily, the women aren't shirking their duty, and at the LPGA's Toto Japan Classic this weekend, I'm going right back to Hae-Ran Ryu. I did this with Padraig last week, when he almost cashed for me the week before—when you're a week too early, just stay on your horse and wait for glorious victory. Ryu is on a heater, it looks like she's the odds-on favorite, and she'll probably get to go home to Korea en route to Japan for some home cooking and familiar faces. Folks, she's going to be ... Ryu-juvenated.

I can't believe this, but the Champions Tour and LIV are also off. It's like the universe is trying to play cooler to my hot streak. The picks are too good, folks, and powerful people are scared.

THE "DUMB TAKE I KIND OF BELIEVE"

The same way the Tour occasionally has American flags on the pins during patriotic holidays, they should have themed flags for every holiday. Skeleton head for Halloween, turkey for Thanksgiving, even a creepy little Cupid for Valentine's Day. I'm disappointed to see that this wasn't addressed anywhere in the Tour's memo this week.

THE READER STORY OF THE WEEK

Here's Mark on what happens when you mix golf and politics:

Whenever someone is going to putt close to someone else's line, my idiot friend likes to say, "Ah, a little Elizabeth Warren." Then he waits for no one to say anything, then he says, "Free education."

He thinks it's clever.

One time he said it when we were playing with a couple MAGA guys. The rest of the round sucked.

See!? Don't even joke about it!

Previously on Golfpocalypse:

Loving Golf in 2024 is about finding where the money isn't
I believed in the magic of Tiger Woods when I was a kid, but I'm a cynic now
If you can enjoy playing golf alone, you have achieved Nirvana
I took 12 stitches to the head for golf before I even loved it
An annual 'Friends Ryder Cup' trip is the greatest thing in golf
Marshals at public golf courses need to get way meaner
I, and I alone, have the genius tweak to fix the Tour Championship
It cannot be fun to play golf when you're egregiously bad
Confession: I break clubs when I'm mad
Playing golf in bad weather makes me feel alive
Caring what other people think of your golf game is annoying to other people
Sympathize with Rory, because choking sucks