Low Blow
February 19, 2020

Heads up, guys, if you bite your opponent's penis, you'll get a five-year ban from competitive soccer

Soccer referee points and holds up red card

SDI Productions

Soccer is weirdly the thirstiest sport. Over the course of the past year and a half or so, we've written about a World Cup legend advising young players to have as much sex as possible during the tournament, a top-tier coach mandating that his players always be on the bottom when making love, and a Barcelona star pledging to donate his testicles if his team lost their Champions League semifinal (spoiler alert: they did). Maybe this comes with the territory when some of the best players on earth hail from places like Brazil and France, or perhaps it's just something in the Gatorade Carabao. Whatever the case, we come to you today bearing more oddly sexual exploits from the world of soccer, where this week an amateur player in France was banned for five years for biting his opponent in the penis. Yes, we said bite. Also PENIS.

OK, so that's not footage of the incident. That's just the Prime Minister of Britain, in case you're also wondering about the current political climate of earth. The actual altercation took place on November 17th, during a game between non-league rivals Soetrich and Terville in the east of France. According to reports, two players began fighting during the match, at which point a third stepped in to try to keep the peace. Lesson number one, kids: Don't be a hero.

After the match, the dust-up continued in the parking lot, at which point the peacekeeper was approached by the Soetrich player, who, in the throes of the resumed fight, bit him on the penis. And not a nip either. Instead it was a full chomp, resulting in 10 stitches (is anyone else breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about this?) and four days out of work. Adding insult to injury, league official Emmanuel Saling said that the blame for the member massacre was "more or less shared" and the victim was handed a six-month ban to go alongside his attacker's five-year stint. And you thought Manfred was clueless?

Anyway, that is the story of the man who got his penis nearly bitten off in a soccer fight. Needless to say, we can't wait for the 30 For 30.