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Captain America

BREAKING NEWS: Christian Pulisic says he did not "get hit in the balls"

December 01, 2022

On Tuesday, in the 38th-minute of the win-or-go-home group-stage finale for the USMNT in Qatar, Christian Pulisic scored the most important goal for U.S. men’s soccer since Landon Donovan’s last-gasp winner in South Africa over a decade ago. Unfortunately as Pulisic prodded the ball home, he took the full force of Iranian goalkeeper Alireza Beiranvand's knee to the bread basket (official medical term). He writhed in pain as the stars n’ stripes celebrated his decisive goal and was later transported to the hospital for further evaluation. There, while cheering on the boys from his bed, he was diagnosed with a “pelvic contusion,” which many took to be a code for “hit in the balls really, really hard.”

On Thursday, however, Captain America took to the podium to set the record straight before the USMNT’s massive round-of-16 tilt with the Oranje, delivering the following bombshell:

If a bunch of journalists trying to say “balls” without actually saying “balls” sounds like a good time to you, you can check out the video of the interchange below.

As the fellas in the audience will tell you, this is overwhelmingly good news. It’s not confirmation that Pulisic will be able to go on Saturday, but he says he’s doing “everything in his power” to be out there and we believe him. No matter what happens, though, we’re glad Pulisic’s family jewels remain intact. After all, the future of U.S. men’s soccer might just depend on them.