Galaxy Brain
July 29, 2020

Chad Johnson says he took Viagra before every game, was playing chess not checkers

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Joe Robbins

What does it take to make it in the NFL? Hard work? Check. Singular focus? Check. Elite athletic ability? Check. But if you want to survive year over year—if you want to be a name the kids remember down the decades—it takes a little more than a work ethic and a howitzer arm. You also have to master a little thing called the dark arts. Guys like Bill Belichick and Ray Lewis wouldn’t have made it three weeks in the real world with landing behind bars, but in the NFL, they were legends. They knew every loophole. They had the cell number of every patsy. They mapped every referee’s blindspot like Lewis and Clark mapped the Mississippi. That, folks, is what separates the goods from the greats, and that, friends, is why Chad Johnson is one of the greats.

Now, you may find yourself wondering what possible advantage this could serve a superstar wide receiver during an actual NFL game. Don’t worry, Johnson was all too happy to explain.

Do we have time for a meme? Great, we now go live to a meme.

Galaxy brain stuff from Ochocinco here. Even babies know three legs are faster than two. And even if he is completely full of shit—and there’s a very high likelihood he is—that’s all part of the game. If they’re worried about your crotch, they aren’t worried about your route. If they don’t know what you’re packing, how are they supposed to defend it. The first rule of the dark arts is that you never talk about the dark arts.

Unfortunately, the NFL has a way of making yesterday's genius tomorrow's stupidity, and by the time Johnson reached New England the jig was up . . . while other, ahem, things were decidedly not.