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The only thing dumber than being mad at the Brittany Matthews champagne video is her terrible response to it

January 25, 2022

OK, here we go. This is one of those “let’s get this out of the way right from the start” deals: If you’re here to dunk on somebody just because they’re a famous athlete’s fiancee—and all the hardwired gender perceptions/biases that come along with that sort of thing—please show yourself the door. It’s really not worth it for everyone involved. We’re all in agreement on that? Good.

Now, as you’ve probably heard, some football fans, even a few of the Chiefs persuasion, don’t really care for Brittany Matthews, the fiancee of gunslinging God man Patrick Mahomes. Compared to Mahomes’ Tik Toking brother Jackson, she is practically beloved, but by any other metric, it’s bad. Thus, after the Bills and Chiefs wrapped up one of the most incredible playoff football games ever played on Sunday, hater antennas immediately went up, on high alert for any indiscretion from the perceived Mahomes freeloaders. Jackson went underground, wisely avoiding the Ronald McDonald-colored circus, but Brittany Matthews, well, let’s just say she wasn’t so lucky.

People were very performatively pissed about this video, suggesting that Matthews spraying a little champagne on fans CLEARLY BEGGING HER TO SPRAY THEM WITH CHAMPAGNE LIKE LITTLE BABY BIRDS could have possibly resulted in frostbite and hypothermia or, GASP, even infant alcohol ingestion. This is like saying the Indy 500 is bad because some fans might be lactose intolerant. Given the target on her back, should Matthews have, literally, put a cork in it? Sure, but on a scale of Everybody Calm Down to Actually Important, it doesn’t even rate.

Unfortunately for Matthews, Mahomes, Chiefs fans, NFL casuals, and humankind as a whole, that wasn’t the end of it. Instead of letting it blow over or apologizing, thereby shifting the onus onto the haters to stop being the assholes, Matthews decided to tweet, and as we all know, you should never, ever tweet.

We’ve spent considerable real estate defending Matthews so far, and this doesn’t change anything we said. It is, however, where the defense rests. You cannot give the internet this sort of bulletin-board material and then ask “why is everyone so mean to me?” As far as responses go, it's more ill advised than the Kansas City restaurant that tore Jackson limb from limb for being a prima donna only to be forced to apologize hours later. In fact, it's so far gone we almost wondered if it was sarcastic, but sarcasm generally requires self awareness.

So Brittany, a word of advice. Take it or leave it:

NOBODY BREATHING OXYGEN IN AND CO2 OUT GETS TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT WHENEVER THEY WANT WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE. WELCOME TO EARTH.

This is like asking “why can’t I drink five beers without waking up hungover?” Sometimes that hangover is a ten-beer hangover, and it's not fair and you curse the Gods “WHYYYYY, DAMN YOU, WHY, I ONLY HAD FIVEEEE!!!” But you made the choice, and now you have to live with the consequences.

That’s adult life peeled straight down to its core. You do what you don't want to do 90% of the time what you do want to do the other 10% because you probably have responsibilites and are, despite how many people seem to have forgotten this of late, part of a broader functioning whole called "society." It's not always fair but it's also not complicated. So lay off the champagne, everyone. Get a grip on reality, Ms. Matthews. As always, there are more important things to be angry about.