Breakups Are Hard
April 30, 2020

Boston mayor says he would have "looked the other way" on Tom Brady tossing balls in the park, but alas

Well folks, it's official. After weeks of denial and feigned bravado masking insidious deep-lying insecurity (a Beantown special since colonial rule), Boston has finally hit the despair portion of the post-Tom Brady line chart. After the departure of Tom to Tampa and subsequent failure to add a quarterback in free agency, most Patriots fans assumed the NFL Draft would be their beacon of hope—a place to find a project like Jalen Hurts or Jacob Eason. But that came and went too, with hardly a sniff of a signal caller until the Belichick brain trust brought undrafted FA Brian Lewerke to Gillette, suddenly looking far less than the best a man can get.

That turned about to be the slight breeze needed to bring the entire house of emotional cards crashing down, especially in America's Walking City, where this week Mayor Marty Walsh (can you possibly have a more Boston mayor name than Marty Walsh, jfc) joined The Greg Hill Show in a final desperate bid to get Tommy to reply to his late-night DMs. Here's what he had to say about Brady's recent run-in with TBPD while tossing some balls around the local park:

Mahhty does know this is Florida we're talking about right? This is the same state that named the WWE an essential business and said f—k it, there's no virus on earth can that survive the amount of alcohol consumed by spring breakers anyway. They're not letting their new messiah—the next Brad Johnson, if we may be so bold—run through his playbook in the park because even they think it's a threat to public health. Yet here's the mayor of freakin' Boston being so broken down and hollowed out inside that he can't help but get down on his knees beg. Please honey, come back to me. I promise I'll let you do that thing you like.

It's sad. It really is.

Our advice to Mahhty and the rest of Pats Nation? Take it standing up. Have some dignity. We've all been there. We know it's hard. But if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.