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Conspiracy Theories

The most dramatic finish in ‘Beat The Freeze’ history looks like a setup, smells like a setup, is definitely a setup

August 24, 2021

On Monday the red-hot Atlanta Braves dropped the first game of their two-game tilt with the red-hot New York Yankees 5-1. It was a drab loss that kept the NL East door just barely ajar, but for the good people of Atlanta, the evening will be remembered for one thing and one thing only:

The most dramatic finish in The Freeze’s frosty history.

Now, if you’re not familiar with The Freeze, he’s a hustler in a blue skin suit. But instead of rustling up the local pool halls, he gives fleet-legged fans a chance to test their mettle against him between innings. The Freeze gives these chumps massive head starts and then reels them in while the entire ballpark goes wild with anticipation. It’s one of America’s uh, coolest ballpark experiences and a veritable rite of passage for Braves fans.

All that being said, Monday’s finish—arguably The Freeze’s finest triumph—is a setup from the very beginning. It’s Roswell and Tupac’s assasination rolled into one. It smells. It stinks. It reeks to high hell, and if you don’t believe us, just take a closer look at the forensics …

We watch soccer. We know a dive when we see one, and that is a DIVE. There was more believable sniper fire from that grassy knoll in Dallas than this, and yet half of the internet and all of the stadium gobbled it up hook, line, and sinker. There’s been incessant questioning of authority and science lately, and yet we, as a society, are ready to take this at face value and move on? Not so fast, my friends. The truth is out there and we intend to find it.