Turnt Left

Your dad is gonna love Kevin Harvick's millennial-parodying NASCAR All-Star livery

May 7, 2019

By now you've heard everything there is to hear about the evil, puppy-kicking scourge known as millennials. They eat avocado...on TOAST! They're killing Applebee's! They work too much for too little pay and don't even want to have reckless sex anymore! The world as we know it—a noxious, heady haze of fat jokes and print nudie mags—is under siege, and if they break through the white picket fences, even our platinum preferred cable packages will be powerless to stop them!

Thankfully a few boomer strongholds remain, putting up a brave fight against the coming darkness. One such battalion is that of NASCAR, who unveiled their very own trojan horse on Tuesday, slipping it right into enemy territory without anyone noticing. Ladies and gentlemen of the resistance, we present Kevin Harvick's "Millennial" Mustang. With god speed and good luck, they'll never know what hit 'em.

RELATED: This photo essay of items left on the Talladega infield is a triumph of modern art

Sarcasm and tenuous military metaphors aside, this is actually very, very bad. It all begins with the soft pink hue—because everyone knows millennials have the emotional constitution of a gardenia vase—and only gets worse from there, soullessly treading through greatest hits like "Avocado on Toast," "Tea Frog," and "Participation Trophy" like The Eagles on their 6,000th farewell tour (the galaxy brains behind this livery should get that reference.) An Insta-story splash of emojis and "Turnt Left" proudly emblazoned on the right rear panel round out the cringe-rod, which Harvick will pilot at the NASCAR All-Star Race on May 18th.

The paint scheme itself is a product of a wager Busch made last year, which makes the whole thing a little more tolerable (or "on fleek," as everyone thinks millennials say but actually don't.) Still though, if you're gonna come at the kids who are about to steal your jobs, your social security, and even your Kentucky Derby, you best not miss.

MORE FROM THE LOOP
Monday Superlatives

Wimbledon 2019 was the sunset of legends

18 hours ago