The Only Constant Is Change

Masters 2019: If millennials ran the Masters

April 2, 2019
Drive, Chip and Putt Championship at Augusta National Golf Club
Jamie Squire

The year is 2049. Cole Sprouse is president of the United States and a mostly cybernetic Tiger Woods is still stuck on 14 majors. Across the world, the dreaded millennial has risen to the highest echelons of power, even at the Masters, where time once stood still.

With much of the old guard retired to the Great Par 5 in the sky, the new leadership has made a few tweaks to the tournament's time-honored formula, and we're here to help get you acclimated. So before you teleport down to the People's Republic of Georgia for your annual spring pilgrimage, check out the full list of changes below...and whatever you do, don't forget to pack your own pimento.

Participatory green jackets for all competitors

Optional soft-serve ice cream outing available for players who miss the cut.

Vegan pimento "cheese" sandwiches made with free-range oat milk

Jamie Squire

In the future, dairy is punishable by death.

RELATED: What your favorite Masters sandwich says about you

Champions Dinner delivered by Seamless

God help the delivery boy if Patrick gets onions on his burger.

Featured groups streaming exclusively on Netflix

Amen Corner coverage will be available on your parents' cable subscription and via your ex's HBO login.

Augusta theme remixed by Cardi B

Including final-round halftime show in the Crow's Nest.

Winner paid via Venmo

PayPal and Zelle also accepted.

Husbands now caddie the Par 3 Contest

Peter Dazeley

No word yet on who actually plays, but we can figure that out as we go.

Merchandise shop now offers "Gender-Neutral Cave" essentials

There's also an Apple Store on the second floor.

Player therapist kiosks available at 5, 12, and 18

Pace of play still a hot-button issue.

Jim Nantz joined in the booth by Pepper Brooks

Augusta National

It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see how it pays off for 'em.

RELATED: The 10 most syrupy Jim Nantz Masters monologues

Butler Cabin available to rent on Airbnb

On second thought, this is a great idea.

Patrons kicked out for NOT being on their phones

If you didn't 'gram it, were you actually there?

Goat yoga offered at Amen Corner every afternoon after final pairing

Patrick Smith

Goat caddies to be introduced in 2050.

Sunday pin positions determined by Twitter poll

Grounds crew notified of winners via Slack.

Tesla charging stations on Magnolia Lane

Because courtesy cars should be courteous to the environment too.

Second round canceled because Fridays are work-from-home days

BRB, WFH 2DAY.

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