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World's Best Boyfriend PK Subban celebrates Lindsey Vonn's retirement with balloons and GOAT cake

February 12, 2019

Dudes, if you're already stressing on Valentine's Day, you might want to look away. This is only going to make it worse. Following the last-ever race of her Hall of Fame career, Olympic gold medalist Lindsey Vonn returned home on Tuesday to find boyfriend PK Subban—Predators defenseman, elite professional hockey player, and by all accounts a pretty busy guy—waiting to surprise her with a house full of balloons and assorted GOAT memorabilia (including a GOAT cake, replete with Vonn's pink trademark ski poles). In the immortal words of MC Hammer, you can't touch this.

In the mix indeed. This is black belt boyfriend stuff and Vonn, who has substantial experience with the Tiger Woods School of Affection, seems to mostly appreciate it, despite very evidently wishing she could just go the hell to sleep after an 18-hour flight. And maybe she would have if not for the giant stuffed GOAT perched in her side of the bed. Needless to say, Subban is dangerously closing to turning a nice gesture into clingy overkill, but that's just risk you run when pushing the romance envelope into uncharted territory. Nobody says this stuff is easy, folks.

Perhaps more even perilous, however, is the height at which Subban has set the bar some 48 hours before Valentine's Day. How do you top a GOAT cake? The short answer is that you don't. The long answer is that you don't and then never can, and one day you wake up and you're 67, alone, blaming you're entire hapless existence on a giant pastry shaped like an animal's whose cheese you don't even really like. Anyhoo, sorry if that got dark. Congrats on a great career, Lindsey. Enjoy the cake.