Uncuffing Season
December 14, 2020

Hiring UFC ring announcer Bruce Buffer to break up with your girlfriend via Cameo might be the most savage move in human history

It’s the holiday season. On a good year, the stress is often too much for the relationships we keep . . . and this hasn't been a good year. Not even close. Eyes wander under Zoom holiday party mistletoe. One egg nog leads to another. You can't put coal back in the stocking and sometimes even Mr. and Mrs. Claus need some time apart. But don’t take our word for it. Just ask the anti-hero who paid a whopping $299 for UFC ring announcer Bruce Buffer to break up with his girlfriend for him via Cameo this week. Take it away, Bruce.

Borderline unbelievable stuff, but ‘tis the season for believing unbelievable things in the name of fleeting happiness, and this makes us very happy indeed. Seriously, can you imagine having the steely-eyed stones to actually go through with a stunt like this? No, not laughing about it with boys after a couple Bud Light peppermint pattie seltzers—actually sitting down, logging into your PayPal, and explaining to the voice of the UFC why you’re not man enough to take out your own recycling. That takes commitment, conniving, and a level of courage/cowardice that most mere mortals simply do not possess.

That said, let’s take this moment to pour some out for poor Kaylee, who just had her delicate domestic snowglobe smashed by some Vince McMahon-looking motherf—r in a teal houndstooth tux. Once might assume that Kaylee did something pretty, pretty bad to deserve this sort of ruthless termination—a dalliance with a close friend, the unsolicited dissemination of a private picture—but we shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Maybe she’s the hero of this story, not the villain. After all, even Scrooge ends up a good guy in the end.