Summer is nearly upon us, and that means every idiotic, novelty fashion trend available to the human imagination is about to come spewing out of the proverbial woodwork and into your Twitter feed. This time last year, we were struggling to wrap our heads around the male romper (and, to a lesser extent, swimsuit overalls), and now sartorial hell is back and bolder than ever thanks Carmar Denim's new "extreme cut" "jeans". Seriously, where's Thanos when you need him?
Featuring no front, no back, and no crotch, "extreme cut" jeans are convenient for public restroom emergencies and, to be honest, not much else. But before you, umm, shred Carmar for this Fyre Festival-approved publicity stunt, at least consider the fact you now get to have lunch with your mom while wearing a denim g-sting on top of your regular underwear. Little wins, folks. Little wins.
But wait, we haven't even got to the best part yet. For the right to be called the biggest idiot at Coachella—a prestigious, hotly contested honor, for those of you unfamiliar with that irradiated cultural crater—you must first shell out $168 real American dollars. Nobody said looking like you just got spit out of lawnmower was easy, but according to most economic experts, if you buy this wearable jean floss at that price point, you are an asshole, exactly what is wrong with capitalism as an economic concept, and should be sent to live on the moon with Elon Musk's convertible, which, by the way, was also a pretty frivolous expenditure.
Anyway, onward into the abyss, fellow bipeds.