Everybody Settle Down
December 09, 2019

The entire Staples Center landed on the naughty list on Sunday night

Celebrities At The Los Angeles Lakers Game

Allen Berezovsky

You know the tune. He's making a list, he's checking it twice, he's gonna find out who's naughty or nice. Yadda, yadda, yadda. By now we hopefully all see "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" for what it truly is—a veiled threat designed to keep insolent offspring in line during the holiday season. But if by chance ol' Saint Nick were, you know, actually real, and for some reason in attendance at the Staples Center for Lakers-Timberwolves on Sunday night, well, let's just say he would have been racking up the coal orders at an unprecedented rate.

It all started with Lizzo—pop star and plus-size hero—who kicked off festivities (and a resulting Twitter firestorm) by bearing her roughly 87% of her derriere on national TV. We believe the technical term for this is "mooning" . . .

Shortly thereafter, she declared her love for Karl-Anthony Towns to reporters within ear shot of Karl-Anthony Towns. "Number 32," she purred. "That's my baby."

That was just the tip of thirst-berg, however, because lo and behold golf's first couple Brooks Koepka and Jena Sims were also in attendance, with Sims posting the following to Instagram on Monday. Seriously, was Joker pumping pheromones in through the ventilation system or something?

Even goody two shoes LeBron James got a check in the naughty column, making the mistake of dropping an f-bomb within ear shot of Mrs. Klaus after landing in foul trouble. IF YOU KEEP UP THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE, SONNY, FOUL TROUBLE IS GOING TO LOOK BALI COMPARED TO ME.

OK, so it wasn't exactly Malice at the Palace, but still for one pretty meaningless school-night game in early December, this was pretty damn lit, as the kids say. If you ask us, it wasn't the stress of the holidays, $13 White Claws, or the La La Land glitz that had everyone acting like it was their last night on earth, however. It was the moon—a 93.6% waxing gibbous at time of writing. Thankfully, for the good of all LA citizens, the Lakers will be in Orlando when that sucker reaches its zenith on Wednesday. Crisis averted.