The Detroit Tigers are selling $20 bottles of dirt at their home opener

You can buy just about anything at a major league ballpark these days, from two-foot-long chicken nuggets to a battalion's worth of pink urban camo. For their 2019 home opener, however, the Detroit Tigers are upping the ante with the most shameless display of exploitative capitalism since the Lehman Brothers: A literal bottle of dirt, retailing for $20 actual U.S. dollars. We couldn't make this stuff up if we tried, but clearly someone had to and that person should be thrown in prison forever.

Allegedly the dirt came from the Comerica Park infield, but honestly who knows. It's just as likely the Tigers sent some intern down to Lake Michigan to scrape up a couple bottles of lead-laced grime for the kids. Then they slapped a label on the sucker and tossed it in the team store under "Opening Day Dirt Bottle." A triumph a branding this ain't, but what else are you supposed to buy when you already have 500 Miggy jerseys hanging in your closet? (Plus consumer test groups didn't respond favorably to the whole $50 "Comerica Urinal Cake" idea.)

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On the bright side, however, Tigers fans will probably be too busy beating the ever-living crap out of each other to get fleeced by the used car salesmen currently running the Tigers' merchandise department. Ladies and gentlemen, it's good to have baseball back in our lives.