Ron Burgundy has had a hectic couple of days on the sports beat. Last week, he joined the booth for the call of Kings-Sharks, making out with a burrito on the kiss cam, relaying false reports of feral cats storming the ice, and recalling the time he once drank 15 Molsons. Not to content to confine his athletic expertise to the ice, however, on Friday he (or rather his foam doppelgänger; Ron is a very busy guy) took the short trip down I-5 to Petco Park to christen the new best tradition in baseball—the Padres' Anchorman mascot race, which immediately captured the hearts and minds of proud San Diegans everywhere.
Also featuring the services of Champ Kind, Brian Fantana, and Brick Tamland, the inaugural derby was a runway victory for Burgundy, who took the victory by 10 Ron lengths. More importantly, though, it already challenging the Nationals' Presidents Race for the right to be called baseball's most-absurd mid-inning entertainment. The Presidents Race certainly edges its fledgling competition in terms of sheer brutality, but when it comes to rich, luxurious mustaches—the most important criteria of all, as far as we're concerned—Burgundy whips Teddy Roosevelt like a rented mule.
Adding even more shine to this immaculate pair of wolverine-leather brogues is the fact that the new-look Padres, who have played every single day of the MLB season thus far, are 3-1. Sure, they're beating up the newly lowly Giants, but it can't hurt to get young guns like Fernando Tatis and Chris Paddack off to flying starts, especially the latter, who took some alpha ambiance cues from Ron himself on Sunday. There's literally zero chance this man isn't wearing Sex Panther.