Run For Your Lives
December 19, 2019

Serena Williams is training with Mike Tyson now, may God have mercy on our souls

Pick the two most dominant, physically intimidating athletes of the last 30 years out of a hat, and chances are they'll be Serena Williams and Mike Tyson. Sure, Lawrence Taylor deserves a mention, but when it comes to dominating your given sport with both elite skill and unmatched ferocity, no one has enjoyed a reign of terror quite as long Serena or quite as explosive as Iron Mike. All of which is why, we announce with quaking knees and sweaty palms, that Serena Williams and Iron Mike were seen sparring this week as part the Mouratoglou Tennis Academy preseason promotion. May God have mercy on our souls.

The whole thing was more publicity stunt than anything, but the thought of this evolving into a full-fledged training regimen terrifies even Iron Mike. Teach her a left hook, and Serena would be virtually unstoppable. Like Obi-Wan Kenobi mentoring young Anakin Skywalker before him, Tyson sees both great power and great darkness, and is right to be afraid.

But if you think you're jumpy, just imagine being a chair umpire handing down a coaching violation or foot fault to Serena in a Grand Slam final knowing that she had spent all winter holed up like Rocky in Rocky IV, lifting logs over her head and beating on inanimate objects all under the watchful eye of Mike Tyson. The very thought is enough to send us running for the Pepto and Xanax.

Needless to say, for the good of both tennis and the universe itself, we hope these two go their separate ways.