Bulletproof

SEC supervillain Lane Kiffin was asked to wear a bulletproof vest when returning to Tennessee in 2014

June 21, 2018
Alabama v Tennessee
Kevin C. Cox

Lane Kiffin's resume might say "head ball coach", but he's made his living as an asshat, agitator, sleazeball, and snake. That may seem harsh, but that's the bed you make when you've spent the last 15 years of your life burning every bridge you've ever crossed and posting selfies of yourself with the matches and lighter fluid on Twitter.

Needless to say, over the course of his surprisingly un-killable career, Kiffin has made a few enemies, but none greater than the state of Tennessee, who, as Kiffin made clear during a recent episode of Marty Smith's America podcast, haven't exactly forgiven him for cutting bait after only one season at the vanguard of the Vols' backwoods militia:

They weren’t real good right when we left. Or when we got to Alabama and went back to Neyland Stadium...It was crazy. They were literally talking about a bulletproof vest. I’m like come on guys, this is football. They were like no, no, really. Then they had security with me the whole way, even walking on the field and stuff like that. I was like I’m not wearing a vest.

Now listen, we know the sentient sports meme that is the SEC and their whole "It Means More" schtick is rooted in some pretty fanatic truths, but this is on another level. If Kim Jong Un wanted to take in a game at ol' Rocky Top, he'd get away with less kevlar than a dude whose only reason for living is being skeezy with co-eds at central Florida college bars. Seriously, it's Lane Kiffin, people. He's the living, breathing, walking, talking (always freaking talking) definition of "not worth it."

In fact, now that we think about it, murdering anyone—even the tyrannical leader of North Korea—over college football is very definitely not worth it.

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