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Say hello the Philadelphia Flyers' new mascot and goodbye to ever sleeping again

September 24, 2018

About this time last year, America was losing its collective shit over IT, a vivid reimagining of Stephen King's classic yarn about a homicidal, child-devouring demon masquerading as a homicidal, child-devouring clown. If you thought ol' Pennywise was terrifying, however, just wait until you see the Philadelphia Flyers' new mascot Gritty, a googly-eyed, marmalade monster that will haunt you into the box and possibly beyond. Apologies if you're finally starting to sleep through the night again, but this horror is simply too great to bear on our own:

Does anyone else feel their soul squirming like ants under a magnifying glass?


Gritty is already currying favor with the Phlyer Phaithphul by threatening the cross-state Penguins on Twitter, but how long until he begins indulging his darkest cravings in his own backyard? How long until children (and cookies) go missing in the dead of some moonless Fishtown night? Days? Weeks? Months?

And yet barring police and/or exorcist intervention, Satan's Redheaded stepchild will join Cheez Whiz, throwing batteries at Santa, and the Phillie Phanatic in the pantheon of disturbing Philadelphia sports traditions when it debuts on October 9th for a visit from the Erik Karlsson-led Sharkie-led San Jose Sharks. May God have mercy on our souls.