Birdman
Sam Howell only eats chicken, brings his own tendies to dinner functions, is the sicko/hero the Commanders need
Jared C. Tilton
Leave it to Washington Commanders to draft the weirdest quarterback on planet earth. A few weeks ago, we would have told you former UNC signal caller Sam Howell seemed like a normal dude—boring even. A tried and true second rounder destined to be traded in exchange for a sixth-round pick in four years’ time. But that was then and this is now. On Wednesday, the entire football world learned that Howell is not the normie we believed him to be, but instead a total sicko with a chicken fetish hitherto heard of.
Not eating seafood? We can sort of understand that. It’s a fairly juvenile take, but about one in four people don’t mess with it and you can sympathize with that. Who wants to eat food that's been marinating in the earth’s dirty sink? Never trying a burger or a steak in 21 years of existence, however? Let's just say that’ll drop your brain in the flash fryer.
But those are just the appetizers to Howell’s bizarro entree:
He brings his own chicken tenders to dinner functions. Can you imagine if you were a single young lad or lass and you matched with this dude on Hinge? He seems normal, he has a high-paying job. You set up a dinner date at a nice place. Prospects are good, morale is high, and then he comes rolling in with a bucket of boneless? No amount of good looks or charm is going to overcome that. Complete and total dealbreaker. Run the red flag straight up the flagpole.
Out of the insanity comes opportunity, however. Say Carson Wentz goes down and Howell steps into the starting role and thrives. Can you imagine the chicken sponsorship deals that are going to come pouring in? Tyson, Perdue, Popeyes, KFC, Wing Stop, BWW, the face of the triumphant return of the Chicken Fry™. The poultry promotions are potentially endless. In fact, the only bummer for Howell is that he wasn’t drafted by Buffalo. We’ve heard they like chicken up there too.