124th U.S. Open

Pinehurst No. 2


Everyone go home, "toe expert" Rex Ryan just won TV for the week

December 13, 2021

You humble normies may not know it, but each week televisions’ biggest stars, from sports to soap to late night enter a high-stakes, no-holds-barred contest to see who will win TV that week. Bitcoin is pooled, bets are taken, and bragging rights are earned and lost. At the end of that week, the actor/pundit/cable TV evangelist who produced the moment—as determined by a shadowy cabal that makes the CFP look democratic—takes home the coveted honors and gets to defend their title for another week.

None of that is remotely true, but if it were, 12/12-12/18 2021 CE would belong to Rex Ryan.

It certainly wouldn’t be Rex’s first time wearing the crown. He’s produced some doozies over the years, from once shouting “slapd***” on ‘Hard Knocks’ to calling Amari Cooper a “turd” live on the Worldwide Leader. He’s even daggered his own well-documented foot fetish before. This is nothing new to Tyrannosaurus Rex, but the nonchalance of Monday’s double entendre while discussing Aaron Rodgers’ lingering toe issue was good enough to send Ryan Clark running off set, and that’s good enough for us.

So go ahead and stop the count. Rex Ryan, King Shit forever, King of TV this week. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to go retch until there’s nothing left to retch up.