Over the course of a given week, we here at The Loop see a number of impressive Darwin Award contenders. That's just what happens when you spend the day scouring the internet for fire content (Phil alone can't sustain a website, after all.) Rarely, however, have we come across anyone as perfectly brave or as perfectly stupid as this aspiring young Happy Gilmore imitator, seen here taking actual batting cage pitches off his actual chest as an homage to his favorite rock-brained golfer. Ladies and gentlemen, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
Now don't get us wrong, Happy Gilmore is an incredible piece of modern performance art. It's the greatest golf movie ever made and it remains an absolute crime that the Golf Channel shows Bagger Vance on Tuesday afternoons in December instead. But it's also ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. Shooter was an archetype, the gold jacket was more of a dijon mustard, and there's no chance in hell a girl like Virginia falls for a barely literate Bruins fan with deep-seeded rage issues. This may be a shock to hear, but even Chubbs Peterson was played by a former boxer named Apollo Creed.
In other words, you should never, ever try taking batting cage fastballs off your heart, even if hockey tryouts really are only (counts on fingers) 106 days away. If one of these pitches gets up and in, you could end up taking the long dirt nap in the sky. Then who's gonna challenge Shooter all for the Tour Championships? Potter? Yeah, we don't think so.