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Fighting the Good Fight

PETA is proposing the MLB rename the “bullpen” the “arm barn” (this is not a joke)

October 28, 2021


People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. That’s what PETA stands for and, unless you’re some sort of sociopathic monster, it’s a motto we can all get behind. But sometimes the definitions of “ethical” are too unrealistic. Sometimes the lengths PETA is willing to go to enforce them too radical. Enter the latest proposal from the organization, which tackles one of the most pressing issues facing animal welfare today:

The baseball bullpen.

Somewhere Aubrey Huff just exploded into a fine red mist.

Before you ask, yes, PETA is aware that it is a bullpen in title only and that no cattle are harmed in the playing of an MLB baseball game (even those hosted in Iowa cornfields). Here’s the organization’s brief on the new initiative should you need to clear up any lingering disbelief.

“As the World Series turns into a pitching duel,” the statement reads, “PETA is pitching a proposal to the baseball world: Strike out the word “bullpen,” which references the holding area where terrified bulls are kept before slaughter, in favor of a more modern, animal-friendly term. PETA’s suggestion? The arm barn!”

“Words matter, and baseball ‘bullpens’ devalue talented players and mock the misery of sensitive animals,” says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. “PETA encourages Major League Baseball coaches, announcers, players, and fans to changeup their language and embrace the ‘arm barn’ instead.”

OK, a couple of brownie points for the puns, but here’s the thing: If you’re going to come Tarzan swinging into baseball suggesting a change to time-honored tradition, you better have a hum-freaking-dinger lined up, and the Arm Barn ain’t it. Greater forces have advocated for lesser change in baseball and gotten laughed out of the room. Also, bad things happen in barns all the time. Haven’t you seen ‘Friday the 13th Part III’? How is this better?

In solidarity with animals and baseball alike, however, we are willing to consider leaving the barnyard altogether.

The Gas Station?

The Smoke Shop?

The Cheese Board?

We can go on like this all week. Stop us when you hear one you like.

P.S. RIP Aubrey. Gone but not entirely forgotten.