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Patrick Mazeika, a guy who looks like a 7th-grade substitute science teacher, is the new King of Queens

Sports are weird. The traditions. The pageantry. The apparatuses (come on, tennis rackets are WEIRD). But do you want to know the weirdest thing about sports? You don’t even have to be an athlete to be good at them. Take the New York Metropolitans' newest offensive assassin for instance. His name is Patrick Mazeika, and he looks like this.

That’s the Mets rookie in the clubhouse on Tuesday after hacking a weak grounder to first that somehow brought Jonathan Villar home for the walk-off win. Avert your eyes if you must, because you are looking upon peak performance. But don't take our word for it, just listen to Dom Smith.

Quite right, sir. Quite right. Or better yet, listen to the numbers because the numbers never lie.

Historic. There is no other word to describe what Pat (Pattack? The Mazeika Virus? Mr. M? We’re work shopping here) is doing at the plate right now. The man has come out of nowhere, glasses and all, to prove that you don’t even need to be good at baseball to be good at baseball.

In the Mets' weekend series with Arizona, Mazeika drew a bases loaded walk and recorded a 10th-inning walk-off RBI, hitting a dribbler in front of the bag to win the game in his first-ever Citi Field plate appearance. Then came Tuesday’s heroics. When asked about “The Super Substitute” after the game, Mets manager Luis Rojas said it best.

“That’s what he’s done every time he’s up there, right? He’s put the ball in play.”

A-freaking-men. Remember that, kiddos. You don’t have to throw triple digits, have Space X-it velo, or be able to spray it to all fields to make it in the majors. You just gotta put the ball in play and let the Diamondbacks and Orioles do the rest.