Bow chicka wow wow

Pat Shurmur keeps Giants' offseason rolling with Hall-of-Fame Freudian slip

May 28, 2019

According to sources close to the New York Giants, Eli Manning and 2019 sixth overall pick Daniel Jones may be the same person. They're both gangly, predisposed to sunburn, and were coached by the same guy in college. They specialize in goofy facial expressions/backbreaking interceptions, look more like State Farm Insurance employees of the month than NFL QBs, and, in the words of Giants head coach Pat Shurmur on Tuesday, are both total freaks in the sheets. Earmuffs, kiddos.

Have questions? Don't worry, so do we. Questions like...

Come again?

What's that now?

Why are you so sweaty?

Based on what evidence?

No really, what in the actual f—k?

It's doubtful we'll get any answers (unless you get Gettleman at the mic; that dude will tell you his credit card number if he thinks it'll make a good headline), but it's good to see the Giants' calamity train picking up steam. After trading one of the league's most dangerous offensive weapons for pennies on the dollar and reaching for the fourth quarterback on the board with the sixth overall pick, we're now getting a peek into the crushed velvet-adorned boudoirs of Eli "Adonnis" Manning and Daniel "Ron Jeremy" Jones...and it's not even June.

Needless to say, we don't know where this sordid tale will take us next, but clear that browser history and take a cold shower, because by the time August rolls around, steamy won't even begin to describe it.

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