Risky Google Searches

Some of the things Eagles fans call Eli Manning are so bad he has to look them up

March 28, 2019

Between the hallowed walls of the Eli Hall of Lame, the Giants quarterback's iconic expressions receive top billing, immortalized by bronze casts flanking the entrance to the hypothetical football holy ground. Beyond that, just through the ticket kiosks, lies the interactive Eli dance exhibit, where kids and adults alike can try their hand (or should we say hips?) at the patented Eli shimmy. New for 2019, however, is the Eli Manning Library For Kids Who Don't Read Good and Want to Learn to Do Other Stuff Good To, a shiny new wing where Eli himself has spent many late nights pouring over texts from forgotten ages, searching tirelessly for one thing:

The slew of curses, slurs, swear words that Eagles fans have rained down upon him like batteries over the years. Insults so vile and repugnant, that even Eli—learn-ed scholar and citizen of the world—doesn't know what they mean.

Eli revealed his anthropological ambitions on Wednesday when asked about the most challenging NFL venue as part of a panel for the NYIT Center for Sports Medicine/Head Injury Association. Here's what he had to say on the fine Philly Phaithful:

“You go there, and that 9-year-old kid is giving you the double finger. Not a thumbs-up. Not, ‘We’re No. 1.’ And he said something about my mom; I had to Google what it was. It’s just different. It’s a different culture.”

RELATED: Eli Manning doesn't often stare at a man's legs, but when he does, he prefers Saquon Barkley's

What the maternal slur was, we may never know. Eli doesn't even know, and he's braved the Linc once a year for the past 15 seasons and has an entirely fictional library dedicated to his research. And yet the imagination runs wild at the possibilities. Perhaps it was a simple "yo mama" joke or a comparison to a little-known piece of the reproductive anatomy. Maybe it was a Satanic verse wrought in ancient Enochian. Either way, it was apparently so shocking to poor Eli, that it remains branded on the functioning half of his brain all these years later.

Now if you'll excuse us, it's time for a bowl Lucky Charms and some Looney Tunes down at Eli's Saturday Morning Grille, a three-star dining experience located just around the corner from the HoL's adult-only ball pit.

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