Smell Ya Later
June 05, 2019

Microsoft's new XBOX body wash is the most powerful pheromone on earth

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When you think about capital-G gamers—individuals whose lives and livelihoods revolve around video games and not the other way around—exemplary hygiene is not the first thing that springs to mind. That just one of the many trade-offs you make when you dedicate your life to no-level-up dungeon runs and melee-weapon battle royales. Alas, life is but sacrifice.

This week, however, Microsoft, tech behemoth best known for operating systems your dad still uses, is hoping change all that with the world's first line of XBOX-themed personal care products. Available exclusively in Australia (for now), the line includes a shower gel, that looks like it's made from a vaporized Ghostbuster, as well as a body spray and deodorant. The trio of products, created in conjunction with Axe's international brand, Lynx, is already being hailed as "Sex Panther for nerds." 60% of the time, it works every time.

Increasingly dated pop cultural references aside, the world will almost certainly be a better place if 13-to-Way-Too-Old-to-Still-Be-Playing-Video-Games-Eight-Hours-a-Day year-olds put down the laser cannons and start showering. Men's Rights message boards would dry up overnight and suddenly the planet would be steeped in a heady haze of love and Lynx Xbox, a potentially radioactive Oort Cloud of pulsing green citrus, kaffir lime, winter lemon, mint, sage, patchouli, and clearwood according to the B.O. analysts over at Microsoft HQ.

Whether or not Microsoft's new products can save the world like Master Chief remains to be seen, but they should still be a welcome addition to basement lairs across the world. Now, about that Halo toothpaste...