The first meaningful game of the 2019 college football season—Florida versus Miami on Aug. 24—is less than three weeks away. Let that sink in for a second. Dorm rooms are getting fumigated, kegs filled, and faces painted. ESPN has expanded its annual preseason drool-a-thon to include Swinney as well as Saban while programs across the country engage in one of unpaid intern football's finest traditions: The new uniform unveil. Usually a cause for celebration and excitement, this year's annual college football catwalk has begun on a sour note, however, thanks to Michigan State (shocker, I know), which just dropped what is already being hailed as the worst college football uniform of all time. Viewer discretion is strongly advised:
Take it away, Mr. Costanza...
Originally teased back in April, the CFB world initially gave Sparty the benefit of the doubt (a bad decision, history would suggest). The uniforms couldn't possibly be as bad as they looked on paper, after all. Fast-forward three months, however, and the reality, as it turns out, is far grimmer than anyone could have imagined. The numbers and STATE emblazoned across the chest look like the text size on your grandpa's iPhone. The splash of sea-sick granny apple is bad enough on the torso, but when paired with the toxic chemical spill that are the pants, induces something akin to a pre-frontal lobotomy on unlucky onlookers. The Spartans are predicted to kind of suck this year, but thanks to this atrocity/monstrosity, they will now look terrible while doing so, which is the fastest way to ol' yeller your recruiting hopes short of coach taking the 49ers job before Christmas.
The intent seems to be to mimic the success the Oregon Ducks have had super-imposing Chernobyl neons over dulcet evergreens, so the premise—dysfunctional cold-weather school just outside Detroit gives West Coast chic a try—was doomed from the start. But still, someone has to take some accountability (lol lol lol) for these failures. If 18-year-old kids can get expelled for selling autographs, then surely the brains, or lack thereof, behind these abominations deserve life without parole.