Patron Patrol

Masters 2023: Overheard in the gallery at Augusta National on Wednesday

April 05, 2023


AUGUSTA, Ga. — The sun was out at a steamy Augusta National on Wednesday, and so were the patrons. As always, some were more, um, hydrated than others, but all seemed to be enjoying their strolls around the Masters venue before the expected weekend freeze. No, seriously. Today's high is 90 and Saturday's high is 54! This never would have happened under Bobby Jones' watch!

So if you're here, you might want to buy one of the Masters sweatshirts I snagged yesterday before they run out. In any event, here are some of the best things we overheard in the gallery on the eve of the 2023 Masters.

"I do think there's a more ORGANIC strategy for marketing this." Guys, can we not talk business for one day?! You're at the freaking Masters!

"Well, if you sell quail feed like we do . . . " Again, give it a break. Also, I hope that dude's business sells more than that because that's pretty specific.

"Do you know the average height of a man is 5-foot-9?" Actually, I thought it was 5-foot-10, but as a 5-foot-10 male, I'm not going to argue. In fact, I might have to update my resume to mention I'm above average in terms of height.

"Pro athletes just have a certain build. I want to walk up to that guy and say, 'I don't know who you are, but it's working for you.'" Turns out, this lady was talking about recently retired NFL star A.J. Green, who I can confirm is a LOT taller than the average man. Speaking of builds . . .

"Wow, that's a thin man. Is that Will Zalatoris?" Yep. Which led to another comment from this loud gentleman. "Do you know what the Champions Tour guys call the PGA Tour? The FLAT BELLY Tour!" Oh, man, that's gold. I should have just followed this guy around all day.

"I think they're waaaaaay slower players than us." "Yeah, that's because they're waaaaaaay better players than us." Sounds about right.

"I've been carrying your bags all day. I deserve a drink." Poor guy. Those bags looked heavy, too.

"Here, I got you a shot glass for bringing me to this." One shot glass for a once-in-a-lifetime experience? How generous!

"I knew I bumped into something! Sorry, buddy!" Those Masters folding chairs are weapons in the wrong hands.

"Why are y'all walking like you don't know how to use your legs?" Maybe they were hit by one of those Masters chairs as well.

"Vijay Singh once turned me down for an autograph. He's kind of a jerk." No comment.

"There's Jon RAM. He's gotta be one of the favorites." Um, yeah.

"Look at Larry Mize on the range. He's like a zillion-to-1 odds to win." Actually, he's only 5,000-to-1. And show some respect for the 1987 champ, will ya?

"I saw a lady with two cups of beer AND a Masters thermos filled with beer. Now she knows what she's doing." Again, when it's this hot, you gotta stay hydrated out there.

"I didn't put enough baby powder on today." Same here, buddy. Same here.