Purple Reign

LSU football's new locker rooms are so nice they're practically a recruiting violation

July 22, 2019

With the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, the Home Run Derby, and the Open Championship still lurking in the rearview, it's hard to believe that college football is just about a month away. Across the country, alma mater are slathering on the face paint and emptying the RV septic tanks. Preseason polls are finally starting to solidify, the call for EA Sports to revive "NCAA Football" has reached its annual crescendo and the players are returning to campuses from Boise to Baton Rouge for a steady diet of two-a-days and verbal abuse. As this first glimpse of LSU's new, Starship Enterprise-shaming locker room proves, however, it's not all hard work and hustle in the world of unpaid internship football...

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Holy beejeebus, Batman. Clearly inspired by the kind of airlines LSU boosters normally fly on, each player pod features a fully reclinable seat for halftime cat naps, dedicated iPads for watching "film" (read: "Spongebob" reruns), and more charging ports than you can shake a typical Gen Zer's pocket tech at. Above each pod, the players' names and helmets are also displayed, along with personal safes and, you guessed it, more charging ports.

The new multimillion-dollar facility isn't all about recharging, though. It also has an LSU Wall of Fame, a mini-theater for more in-depth "Spongebob" sessions and even a driving simulator, so players can practice talking their way out of tickets with local law enforcement. Needless to say, no stone was left unturned...and by "stone" we mean $100 dollar bill...and by "unturned" we mean unspent.

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LSU, which sits at No. 7 in the preseason poll, will break in its new digs on Aug. 31 against Georgia Southern, a game that should be just about as comfortable as those recliners.

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