Life Lessons

Little League ump shows child who's boss with absurd strike calls

August 7, 2018

Nobody likes a showy ump, but sometimes that big, Shakespearean punch-out really helps bring a game of baseball to life. Nothing, however, and we mean NOTHING, is worse than a showy ump who takes out the sometimes paralyzing lack of control he finds in his own life on helpless children in the middle of a Little League World Series game, perhaps the last pure celebration of youth we have on this forsaken rock in the sky, in case you were wondering. Unfortunately, that's exactly what this career ex-husband and substitute vice-principal did during a Southeast Regional qualifier between Alabama and Georgia on Monday night:

You could hard boil an egg in my blood right now. The pitch comes in and it's high and tight. Eight times out of 10 that's a walk but the groveling millennial brat deigns to take his base and that triggers Mr. Hard Ass. He then thinks about it for a full one M.I.S.S.I.S.S.I.P.P.I. before deciding to dish out a life lesson instead of ball four. The lesson? Never trust adults. They're just children, but taller:

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But if you think that's bad, just wait until you see pitch five. Honorable Judge Dickhead also deems this a ball, because either A) he's suddenly developed cataracts or B) his dad was a real son of a bitch and now he's just kicking that can down the line.

At this point, the possibility he may call a strike even if the next pitch skips off Sputnik begins to materialize. Thankfully, at the last possible second he remembers that bullying children once a week is all he has left and decides not to risk it, calling almost the same exact pitch as strike two ball four.

In the end, the ball—unlike this spineless sack of ego—didn't lie and the kid rightfully ended up on base, but this raises plenty of real world concerns nonetheless. Namely whether or not this idiot has kids of this own, which he probably does, because how else do you explain the mess we're in?

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