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Getting Handsy

Panthers coaches watching in awe as Kenny Pickett proves he can hold a football has to be the dumbest moment in pro-day history

March 21, 2022

Like Joe Burrow before him and Jared Goff before that and Ryan Tannehill even further back, there are concerns about Kenny Pickett's hand size. Yes, we’re doing this. The former Pitt signal caller and top overall QB prospect in the 2022 NFL Draft has been embroiled in the most tedious discussion of the football offseason since before the offseason even began. At the Combine last month, his mitts measured in at a miniscule 8 ½ inches, a measurement that would make them the smallest flippers for any starting quarterback in the National Football League, a full quarter-inch smaller than Taysom Hill’s next-smallest baby palms. (It’s worth noting that Hill is neither a “starter” or a “quarterback.”)

All of this has led to much, um, hand-wringing by the NFL brass, which was on downright unwatchable display at Pickett’s pro day on Monday, when the Carolina Panthers brain trust—including head coach Matt Rhule and former disgraced football savant Ben McAdoo, now the QB coach for the Cats—could be seen marveling at Pickett still being able to hold a football despite his crippling disability. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s get nuts.

We repeat: This wasn't the reaction to Pickett's cannon arm, which was shelling wide receivers left and right on Monday. This was the reaction to Pickett’s to eight-inch ass-slappers.

Good to know NFL front offices have their priorities in order. Kenny Pickett broke Dan Marino’s (pretty good QB, maybe you’ve heard of him) all-time touchdown record at Pitt this season and NFL gurus are DUMBSTRUCK that he can even hold a football. That this sport hasn’t folded under the weight of its own stupidity like a cheap carnival tent remains nature’s greatest mystery.

Considerably more explainable is that this is why bad teams stay bad teams. They burn real-life draft picks on fantasy football running backs, spend entire offseasons courting guys with 22 pending sexual-assault accusations who would rather die than live in Charlotte, and, when it comes time to get actually get serious, they can be found taking a closer look at a fella’s manicure. Prayers up, Panthers fans. You’re gonna need ‘em.