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Get This Man a Lipitor

If you thought you had to wait until September for the first great CFB coach meltdown of 2022, we have some good news

February 03, 2022

Wednesday was National Signing Day across college football. For programs from the plains to the Pacific, it’s normally a time of great optimism—NFL Draft Night for the amateur ranks. Anything is possible. The sky is the limit. For a couple of hours, even Paul Bunyan’s axe is real. This year, however, tensions are a little higher, engines running a little warmer. The NIL, in concert with the transfer portal and this new-fangled thing called “the internet” that college coaches are still coming to grips with, has led to grumpy moods in locker rooms around the country. That includes at Texas A&M, where Jimbo Fisher, hours after landing the NUMBER-ONE RECRUITING CLASS OF ALL TIME, tested the reactor meltdown fail safes on Wednesday ...

The spark that lit the noxious storm-drain fumes like Uncle Lewis in ‘Christmas Vacation’ was a reporter asking Fisher about murmurings of a $30 million NIL kitty in College Station. As it turns out, Fisher had recently read a BroBile article by an author named “Sliced Bread” about how that money may have been used to land the record-breaking class, and that was pretty much that. The fuse was lit and there was no putting it out.

“It pisses me off. It comes from a site called BroBible by a guy name Sliced Bread [raps pen on table]. Then everybody runs with it. It’s written on the internet. It’s gospel … Then to have coaches [cough LANE KIFFIN cough] across this league say it? Clown acts. Aight. Irresponsible as hell.”

But Fisher wasn’t just pissed at the ceaseless spread of information in the internet age (not sure that’s a hill you want to die on, coach). Soon his righteous anger turned toward what he perceives to be a media-driven double standard against the Aggies.

“It’s funny,” Fisher continued, glasses now coming on and off at random. “When Nick Saban said his quarterback got an $800,000 deal, it was wonderful. Now it ain’t wonderful no more, huh? The hypocrisy is a joke. An absolute joke.”

Ordinarily we'd have to wait until mid-September to say this, but we hope you enjoyed the first great CFB coach meltdown of the season. Something tells us it won’t be the last.